Bamboo Dragon
by Pretty.Little.Liars
Summary: After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget. ---- IchigoIkkaku
1. Morning After

**Title:** Bamboo Dragon  
**Author:** Ugly.Beautiful  
**Genre:** Romance / Humor  
**Rating:** M  
**Pairing:** Ichigo x Ikkaku  
**Spoilers:** None, at the moment  
**Summary:** After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.  
**Word Count:** 1,094  
**Warnings:** Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.

**Disclaimer:** The summary is from _Dude, Where's My Car?_ Which, clearly, is not mine. _Bleach_ is also… not mine.

**A/N:** Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! :cries:

* * *

9AM:

_It is too fucking bright._

The first coherent thought skirting across Ikkaku's consciousness was accompanied by the dull throbbing behind his eyes that meant he'd be nursing a hell of a hangover in not too long.

But underneath the feeling of the samba drums beating between his eyes and the angry wish that the sun would just fucking _die_ already, he seemed oddly… relaxed, satiated.

Groaning at the fact that he was awake and apparently there wasn't anything he could do about it, he stretched so hard his toes curled. Forcing himself into a sitting position as he ran a hand over his face, his sheet pooled in his lap…

… and realized that he was naked.

When his eyes shot open in shot he realized, technically, that he wasn't completely naked. He was still wearing his white undershirt. But it was ripped right down his chest. And he did have a wristband on his left wrist, a white paper bracelet depicting a sinuous dragon behind shafts of bamboo.

What. The. _Fuck_ did he _do_ last night?!

A quick glance around the room proved that he was, thankfully, in his own room. But a more prolonged glance around and he noticed some things that were not quite so comforting.

The haphazard trail of clothing and shoes leading from his bed, out his door, and down the part of the hallway he could see was one of those less-then-comforting things. Because Ikkaku had been drunk enough times to know that was he passed out, it was fully clothed and on the couch.

The second not-really-reassuring thing he noticed, was the pair of legs (that were not his own) hanging across his bed, presumably attached to a body that was sprawled mostly on the floor.

He allowed himself one brief, youthful thought that maybe it was a woman. This hope was dashed when he realized the pair of feet pointing towards his thigh did not belong to any female. The person was barefoot. But at least they still had their hakama on.

Which begged the question: why the _hell_ was he naked?!

Frowning fiercely at the situation in general, he poked the bottom of one of the feet harshly. Nothing. He jabbed at the appendage harder. One of the toes twitched. Scowl deepening, he grabbed the person's ankle and gave it a hard shake.

Whoever-it-was groaned at the treatment and yes, the deep voice, roughed with sleep, definitely belonged to a man. Fan. Tastic.

The legs slithered off the side of his bed and he heard a thunk as they hit the floor. Almost immediately someone staggered to their knees, one arm braced on the mattress, the other pressed to a tuft of violently colored hair.

"Frick me head," he mumbled lowly. "And why the hell am I on the floor?"

Ikkaku meanwhile who had used the time it took the boy to stagger almost upright to have a personal mental breakdown, and snapped back to reality at his low voice.

"Holy fuck!"

Ichigo's head snapped up at the sudden shout, head throbbing from both the loud noise and the sudden movement. It only took a moment for him to orient his vision, but when he did… he wished he hadn't.

The sheet pooled in his lap did little to hide the fact that Ikkaku was naked under it.

"Oh. My, _God_," Ichigo yelled. "What the _fuck_ is going on?!"

"I don't fucking know!" Ikkaku yelled right back. Where the hell was Kurosaki's shirt?!

"Why am I in your room?!

"Why are you in my _bed_?!"

The two stopped momentarily to catch the breath. Ikkaku still sitting in his bed, bare-ass except for his ripped shirt and his wristband and clutching his sheet to his lap. And Ichigo crouched next to his bed, nude from the waist up.

"You have paint on your face."

Ikkaku blinked, one hand rising to his face. Did he really…?

He snorted. "Add it to the list, Kurosaki, 'cuz I go no clue what the fuck I did last night.

It was Ichigo's turn to stare blankly at the eleventh-division man. "Me neither." Another pause. "Fuck." Yeah, that about summed it up. His eyes glazed over as he tried to force himself to remember something (_anything_) from the previous night. So he wasn't really paying attention to his friend as Ikkaku wrapped the sheet around his waist and stood, until the man let out a violent hiss and sat back down. Only to groan in obvious discomfort and fall backwards, arms spread-eagles, eyes clenched closed.

Ichigo, having shot to his feet at the first noise, was glancing around the room, instincts from too many battles springing his muscles into action before he knew what he was doing. "What?! What's the problem?!"

When he finally spoke, Ikkaku's voice was dreamy, disaffected, like his mind was somewhere else. "… my ass hurts."

Ichigo paused. "What do you mean you-"

And that was the point when Ichigo looked down and Ikkaku simultaneously opened his eyes to look up. And they both realized something very important.

Ichigo's hakama was _on_… mostly. But they were loose. And they, along with his underwear, were hanging off his ass in the back, so they could hang halfway down his thighs in the front. For a moment, they just stared at each other, and let all the dots connect.

………

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!"

* * *

**A/N:** Short, yes, but 'tis a prologue. Bamboo Dragon thing will be explained, though you should probably be able to figure it out.

What did our boys _do_ last night?! (Besides the obvious of course.) ;) Some more surprises will come out in the next chapter. And… pretty much all of them, as they find out what they hell they were up to during their drunken escapades.

Also, am I the only Ichigo x Ikkaku fangirl out there? Can I get a "Woot!" from anyone else? Jebus, pair Ichigo with _everyone_ from the series, except the first shinigami he actually fights in Soul Society. And it's _hot!_

Reviews are love!


	2. Looking For Answers

**Title:** Bamboo Dragon  
**Author:** Ugly.Beautiful  
**Genre:** Romance / Humor  
**Rating:** M  
**Pairing:** Ichigo x Ikkaku  
**Spoilers:** None, at the moment  
**Summary:** After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.  
**Word Count:** 2,476  
**Warnings:** Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.

**Disclaimer:** The summary is from _Dude, Where's My Car?_ Which, clearly, is not mine. _Bleach_ is also… not mine.

**A/N:** Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! :cries:

* * *

9:35 AM:

It was nearly thirty minutes later that saw the pair of them across Ikkaku's small living room from one another, chest's heaving, and Ichigo's eyes zoomed in on Ikkaku's ass.

………

Let's backtrack, shall we?

-

Normally, it would have taken him ten minutes (tops) to get ready, but after literally dragging a still soapy (_and naked_, his brain added) Ichigo from his shower, Ikkaku had spent twenty minutes furiously scrubbing himself with scalding water hard enough to leave marks.

Only when the water turned completely frigid, did he finally drag himself from the shower and in front of the fogy mirror. Wiping the sheen of water off the glass, he stared at his reflection. The brightly colored ink running down half of his face from whatever had been painted there. If he tilted his head just right, he could see more ink running down the back of his head. The whole right side of his face had started to darken into a nicely-colored purple bruise about the time he forced himself out of bed and now he wondered who the hell had hit him. And a mark, looking suspiciously like a hickey, red and mouth-shaped, on his collarbone.

Ikkaku poked at the mark with a frown. "Fuck my life…"

Though, he was doing a pretty good job of ignoring everything. Him? Sleep with Ichigo? _Him_? Have drunken (rough), manly sex? With _Ichigo_? Nope, never happened, lalala… Except, his ass still hurt, and even if it didn't, the bruises on his hips were in the exact shape of Ichigo's sword-calloused hands. Oh fuck it all!

Glaring towards the door when Ichigo shouted something about braids in his hair, he picked up a washcloth and started to scrub the paint off his face.

Ikkaku jerked when the boy banged on the bathroom door. "I've got scratches on my shoulders so deep they're bleeding, you ass!"

"Well you left your damn handprints on my hips! So fudge off, you fuck!"

He heard Ichigo huff and stomp away from the door, and didn't look away from his task again until the boy gave a undignified yelp. "Why the _fuck_ is the Eleventh Division logo _tattooed_ on my ankle?!"

Ikkaku froze from where he was trying to wash the back of his head off, and felt his heart stutter in fear. Dropping the towel, he glanced down and gave himself a once-over. It was easy, since he hadn't gotten dressed yet, and he soon sighed in relief when he saw no new marks adorning his skin. Resting his hands on his hips, he grinned at his reflection. "At least I-" That's about when his hand slid over the (normally) smooth skin of his right ass cheek and felt the slightly raised skin there. And he felt all the blood drain from his face. "Oh, please, give me cancer now…"

Spinning around so his back faced the mirror, he glanced over his shoulder, and really wished he was feminine enough to cry. And now Ikkaku could probably say to most people that yes, his life sucked. Because that was just… I mean… why would he…

He froze, fingers running over the new mark, and frowned. "I am going to kill that asshole." Grabbing his hakama he yanked them on as he marched to the bathroom door and slammed it open. He had about a ten second eyeful of Ichigo wearing only pants (were those a pair of _Ikkaku's_ pants?) hoping up and down with his right ankle in his hands trying to look at his tattoo. He had about five seconds to stare quite unabashedly at Ichigo's back, since there was a recently healed scar running diagonally halfway across it, and Ikkaku didn't remember him having it before yesterday. And then Ikkaku was next the to boy and he grabbed his shoulder and spun him around so hard the boy squawked and toppled to the ground.

"What the f-"

"Why the hell does _my ass_," Ikkaku snarled, spinning sideways just enough so he could pull his pants down a few inches while still glaring at Ichigo, "have a tattoo of a _fucking strawberry on it!_"

Ichigo's eyes went wide, staring at the life-size strawberry stamped eternally onto his friend's (_really tan_, his brain chimed) posterior. "I-"

"This is here _forever_," Ikkaku hissed.

"Hey!" Ichigo cried indignantly. "You think I like having _your_ Division's stamp permanently on my leg?!" He kicked his leg out, forcing Ikkaku to catch it automatically.

The bald man glanced down, glanced briefly at the Eleventh Division symbol, just like on the back of Zaraki-taicho's captain haori, before dropping the foot quickly. He did not need to know how soft the skin of Ichigo's ankles were. Wasn't the situation humiliation enough?!

The two stared at each other silently for a long moment, both frowning harshly.

"Let's split up."

Ikkaku titled his head to the side as he scoffed. "Don't you mean _break up_?"

"Ugh, no you dumbass. _Split up_. Like I'll go see if anyone knows what we did and _you_ go see if anyone knows what we did." Ichigo stood, staring at Ikkaku like he was retarded. "Duh," he added as afterthought. Turning to presumably go and find a shirt, he called over his shoulder, "Besides, we're not dating you ass."

And Ikkaku really wished he'd just died from alcohol poisoning.

-

10:00AM:

Ichigo had wandered around for a while, before realizing that anyone he'd probably been with last night was probably doing exactly what he wanted to do. Sleeping off the hangover from hell. Though the shower, however brief it was, did clear his head a little. But he did a one-eighty and headed towards the quarters Ishida had been given for his stay. Ishida never drank. He was probably reading. Or _sewing_.

But before he could there, he ran into someone who might (hey, miracles happened) be just as helpful. Though, judging by the completely trashed look on his friend's face (kind of disoriented, like he was stoned, or had just been visited by God and wasn't sure what was going on), Renji would not be much use. Ichigo decided to try anyway.

"Uhhh… Renji…?" Ichigo said hesitantly. The poor redhead looked like Ichigo felt. And looked like he'd have some pretty interesting stories about the night before if he could remember what the hell had happened. His normally fairly neat hair was _everywhere_ and Ichigo was no stylist, but (besides looking as though Renji hadn't brushed it in a good while) it looked like someone had definitely dyed black streaks into the mess. And he pretty much just looked like he'd been gang-banged. Bruises all over, a black eye, a bandage over his nose, and a limp to his step.

The lieutenant turned at the sound of his friend's voice, and Renji's eyes perked up. "Hey, _Ichigo_," he purred, eyes shining with mischief.

Ignoring it for now (and forever if he could, because he really did _not _want to know), the substitute shinigami gestured wordlessly at his friend. "Dude, what the hell happened to you?"

"Hm?" He glanced down at himself, and then his eyes went all dreamy and star-struck. In fact, Ichigo could _literally_ see stars shining in his eyes and he took a step back, terrified. "Kuchiki-taicho put me in my place."

Ichigo curled back his upper lip in confusion. "So… you sparred with Byakuya?"

Renji shook his head, still wearing that sickly sweet smile. "Nuh-uh… well, earlier, but…" He stared at Ichigo seriously. "Kuchiki-taicho has very talented hands."

That was when he got it. "Okay, so that's too much information, but thank-you." He stared at his friend for a moment longer. "What the hell happened to your nose? Byakuya do that, too?"

The redhead reached up to rub absently at the bandage, shaking his head. "You don't remember?" Ichigo shook his head. "Uh… a dog bit me."

Ichigo blinked. "A dog?"

"Look, can we move on?! So…." He leered. "What happened with you and Ikkaku last night, huh?" He tried to wiggly his eyebrows suggestively, but since his eyebrows were _tattooed on_ it kind of made it look like there were caterpillars jerking around on his forehead.

He shrugged. "I'm working on remembering. Wanna help?"

It was Renji's turn to blink. "You don't… remember? But…" His eyes trailed down to stare at Ichigo's ankle, covered with his sock.

"Yeah, I found that his morning. I wanna know why I have it and why Ikkaku… uhhh…"

"Has a strawberry on his ass?" Renji finished. When Ichigo nodded, the lieutenant grinned. "How'd you find that out? You wake up together? Oooohhhh… You did! Did you- Ow!" He yelped when Ichigo, blushing and glaring, smacked him upside the head. "Okay, okay! Um… you must of woken up with a hell of a hangover. I know I did. Try thinkin' now, when you're… less hung-over…"

Ichigo sighed and thought back.

"_Let's get our drink on!"_

_Izuru dancing._

_Someone screaming, "Take your shirt off!" "Kiss him again!"_

_Yumichika smiling with wicked glee._

_Renji's hysterical screaming. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"_

_A fight. He hurt. Someone was crying. He was kissing someone. Laughing._

"_Yes… mm… harder… please…"_

Ichigo's eyes snapped open, face as red as Renji's hair. "I don't think this is working."

Renji shrugged. "Sorry dude, my memory's in patches, so I can't fill in all your… whatever's." He was quiet for a second and they stared at each other. "… Wanna go retrace your steps?"

Ichigo nodded. "Sounds good."

-

10:00AM (Elsewhere)

He wasn't entirely sure what happened, one second he was angrily stomping his way out of the Eleventh Division, since Yumichika was no where to be found, the next second someone had squealed and tackled him to the ground.

"Fucking hell!" He growled, flipping over and ready to kick someone's ass. "Who the hell-" He blinked. "…Matsumoto?"

The woman looked… fine. What the hell?! No hangover?! No nothing?! And… her….

"What the hell did you do to your hair?"

"Hm?" She leaned back so he could sit up, lightly touching her hair. "You don't like it?" She pouted.

He merely raised an eyebrow, staring at the dozens and dozens of braids now adorning her head. "… Whatever." He huffed, turning his head to the side so he didn't have to look at her when he spoke. "I need your help."

He eyes went wide, shining with her 'I-smell-juicy-gossip-shine.' "_Oooohhhh_…" She grinned. "Wanna go get a drink?"

He stared at her, incredulous. "Matsumoto. It's ten o'clock in the morning."

Her grin widened as she yanked him to his feet. "It's five o'clock somewhere!" His protests fell on deaf ears as she dragged him through Seireitei. "I knew this would happen! It's so cute! Ichigo-kun-"

At that, Ikkaku finally dug his heels in and forced her to stop. "_Ichigo_?! What the hell do you think I need from you?!"

"Uh… advice?"

"Uh, _no._ Actually, _hell no._ I need to know what the fuck I drank last night. I can't remember shit."

"You don't remember anything?"

He paused and thought back really hard.

_People drinking. People that didn't _normally_ drink drinking._

"_And you're attractive…"_

_Something hard, and heavy, slamming into the side of his head._

_Fire. Everyone scattering, running._

_Singing. Flowers. Dancing._

_Aizen._

"_Mm… want you… want you so bad…"_

He blanched. Let's not think about _that_ shall we? As for the other memories… "… Did someone light a five-year-old on fire?" He asked, vaguely remembered that scenario, but hoping it was merely a remnant of a strange dream.

"It was an accident," Matsumoto said dismissively. "And he's fine."

"…… I really need to figure out what I did." Fuck. Those memories didn't make any sense unless he could string them together. Which he couldn't. Damn it all! "Ugh!" He was saved from spiraling into a complete and utter tantrum when someone called his name. The sight that greeted him when he turned was… amusing, to say the least. Ichigo jogging towards him, followed by Renji, bandaged, streaks in his chaotic hair, and limping in a way that Ikkaku completely empathized with.

"You figure anything out?"

He glared at Ichigo. "No. I've got like ten new questions and no goddamn answers!"

A sigh. "Ditto that." Another sigh. "Fucking hell," he muttered, running a hand through his hair. "Renji said I should retrace my steps." He glanced at the redhead out of the corner of his eye. He still looked kind of dazed. "His memory's splotchy, too." He looked back at Ikkaku. "Wanna come?"

Ikkaku huffed. Did he even have a fucking choice? "The last thing I remember was going to your house."

He nodded. "Let's start there, then."

The bald shinigami huffed and started to follow the boy. Maybe he could just pretend that none of this had ever happened. And that the brief memory of Ichigo's growling voice moaning that he wanted him didn't make him feel a little happy in the pants. Nope.

……

"Hey, move your ass, stupid!"

He frowned. Denial, thy name is Ikkaku…

* * *

**A/N:** Poor boys. All of them. Even Renji. How I torture him. You'll figure out why Ichigo isn't so shocked about this development later. Mwhahaha! Also, I _think_ that's the last yaoi pairing for the story. Unless you have one you really, really like, and beg really sweetly… and I don't already have them paired with someone. Cuz if I do, sorry, maybe next time, ne?

Count the Pop Culture references!  
The ones I _distinctly_ remember putting in, like knowing it was from something) are:  
1. Something from a country song  
2. Something from my favorite comedian, that people may not catch  
3. A line from a Disney (or Pixar? It's animated, anyway) movie  
Cyber cookies and shout outs to people who find some! They'll be more as things do on.

Also, I realize that 1. Tattoos don't feel any different from your regular skin. I've got two, and if I didn't know they were there, I wouldn't be able to feel them. And 2. Yes, the first twelve or so hours after you get a tattoo it's covered. Soul Society has healers, okay? We'll just pretend, and I'll mention later, about it all. We're figuring things out at the same pace as the boys. It's more fun that way don't you think?

Reviews R Much Love!


	3. Surprises

**Title:** Bamboo Dragon  
**Author:** Ugly.Beautiful  
**Genre:** Romance / Humor  
**Rating:** M (eventually)  
**Pairing:** Ichigo x Ikkaku (yes, in that order)  
**Spoilers:** None, at the moment  
**Summary:** After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.  
**Word Count:** 2,234  
**Warnings:** Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.

**Disclaimer:** The summary is from _Dude, Where's My Car?_ Which, clearly, is not mine. _Bleach_ is also… not mine. :Cries:

**A/N:** Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! :cries:

**Chapter Warnings: Yaoi of the non Ichigo x Ikkaku variety. For Affie & Rysh. XP  
****Flashbacks are between the xxxxx's.**

* * *

Still 10:00 AM:

"So… what's the last thing you remember?"

Ichigo and Ikkaku glanced from Renji to each other, trying to think back.

"… Zaraki-taicho was looking for you, wondering where you had been all day," Ikkaku said thoughtfully. "So I went to look for you at lie…" He shrugged. "Nine o'clock-ish." He smirked at Ichigo. "You were moping."

"The fuck I was!" The boy yelled, affronted.

xxxx

The rooms Yamamoto-soutaicho had let Ichigo use for his stay in Soul Society were small and out of the way. Something that the boy had apparently requesting, using the logic that they would be harder for the direction-less Eleventh Division Captain to find. Logic which was clearly flawless since Zaraki had sent his third-seat to find him.

Ikkaku thought about knocking (honestly, he did), before muttering "Fuck it" and yanked the (locked) door open and sauntering in…

… And pausing.

Why the hell was it so fucking dark? Stepping fully into the room revealed Ichigo sitting on his couch (in the dark), staring blankly at the wall across from him. "Why are you sitting in the dark like a vampire you creepy fucker?"

Ichigo's head turned to face him and he blinked once. "I don't think I'm strong enough to beat Aizen."

Ikkaku rolled his eyes. "Snoozers. Zaraki-taicho is looking for you."

Clearly not listening, the boy turned back to his wall and started mumbling about power gaps and eleven-second fights and illusions until finally Ikkaku couldn't take it anymore.

Striding across the room, he grabbed him roughly by the arm, and hauled him to his feet. "Stop crying, punkass," he said harshly to the now sputtering teen. "Change of plans, we're going out tonight. You need a drink."

xxxx

"…… Okay, so maybe I was moping," Ichigo muttered as the quartet trudged along to Ichigo's flat.

And then suddenly, with a girlish, earsplitting squeal, Matsumoto launched herself at the pouting boy, smothering him in her impressive cleavage. "So cute!"

"Matsumoto, it is entirely too early for you usually excessive volume."

Releasing Ichigo so fact he stumbled backwards into Renji, red-faced and trying to catch his breath after being suffocated in breasts, Matsumoto yelled, "Taicho!" And then bestowed the same treatment to him as she had to Ichigo.

"Matsumoto," he said when she released him, rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. "I am in no mood for you antics."

"What happened to you?"

Hitsugaya looked up at Renji's question and stared at him quietly for a moment, before answering bluntly. "I woke up with three people in my bed… and none of them were me."

They blinked. "Who were they?" Ichigo asked tentatively.

A bland look. "… I don't know."

"Oh."

Hitsugaya grunted and turned, starting to walk away.

"Where are you going?"

"To kill myself," the white-haired prodigy called over his shoulder without stopping.

"Taicho! Wait!" Matsumoto called, hurrying after him. When Ikkaku shouted at her, she paused, yelled back that she'd meet up with them later, and flash-stepped off.

The three boys glanced at each other, gave a shrug in tandem, and walked the remaining block to their destination. Which, upon reaching, Ichigo reached out to yank off the crinkled piece of paper taped to his door.

_Kurosaki-  
__I swear on my pride as a Quincy the next time I see you I will fill you so full of arrows you will look like Swiss cheese.  
__I will __kill__ you.  
__-Ishida_

Ichigo stared at the note until Renji broke the silence. "Well, there's a clue."

Turning to ask him, what the _fuck_ kind of clue was _this_, he smacked noses with the redhead, who'd been peering over his shoulder. Cursing and reeling backward, he fell into Ikkaku, who been peering over his _other_ shoulder.

After dancing around themselves and after much stepping on other people's feet, they managed to situate themselves back into their own personal bubbles. Glaring indignantly at the pair of them, Ichigo gave a haughty sniff, straightened his uniform, and pivoted, sliding open his door as he turned, because hey, Ikkaku had already busted his lock yesterday.

Not sure what kind of clue (or what at all) he was looking for and feeling rather like some ridiculous detective like in those crime shows his father watched, Ichigo steeping into his living-room-slash-kitchen.

Nothing really outside the ordinary. Though Ichigo couldn't explain why his couch was so crooked. And he definitely didn't remember knocking that lamp over. But whose where the only things that seemed off, so he continued in (minding the broken shatters of his light), and down the short hallway.

Bathroom? Clean. Bedroom? Fi-

Mind screeching to a tire-squealing halt along with his body, he hardly flinched when the pair trailing behind him bumped into him one after the other. "What the French toast?!" He screamed.

-

His awareness drifted in and out, like he was caught in a fragmented dream. He flet dreamy, quiet, content. He was warm, and so was the body lying face down mostly underneath him. But someone was yelling and from the sound of it, having a fairly serious panic attack if the gasping inhalations of breath was any blue.

"King Henry the Church…? Who…?" He mumbled incoherently, only partially awake and unwilling to let go of the pleasurable feelings that lounging in bed was causing.

"Why the fucking hell are you in my bed Ishida?!"

Blinking open bleary eyes, he reached blindly for the glasses her half-remembered tossing onto the nightstand and shoving them up his nose. "Kurosaki?"

"Are you _naked_?!"

"Calm down, Ichigo," Renji tried to tell him seriously, but failing miserably because he was laughing too hard. "It's not that bad."

"Well something sure the hell ain't right!" He was going to say more, but suddenly Ishida sat up, sheet pooled in his lap (_Thank __God__ for small favors_, Ichigo thought to himself) and the substitute shinigami realized there was some _other_ naked person in his bed. And from this angle, he tell it wasn't no fucking woman.

Ikkaku crowed with relieved laughter even as Renji tried to comfort the near-hysterical Ichigo as he frantically tried to gouge out his eyes. ("Bleach! I need bleach! And I have to burn all my sheets!")

"Well, at least I'm not the only one who got fucked," he said, leering at the Quincy.

"Actually," the second naked figure on the bed said suddenly, sitting up with more grace that the situation deserved and brushing hair out of his face with a long-fingered hand, "_I'm_ the one who got fucked."

There was silence as the three shinigami felt their jaws literally drop and they gaped at the man smiling triumphantly at them.

"Holy freakin' balls!" Ichigo screamed, pointing a trembling finger at Yumichika.

As Ichigo started to bang his head against the doorframe, Ikkaku turned a disbelieving eye on the Quincy. "You topped?" He asked, skepticism heavy in his tone.

Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with a smirk, he answered arrogantly. "You bottomed?"

"How could you let this happen in my _bed_, Ishida?!" Ichigo screamed.

xxxx

Kurosaki was going to die in the morning, he promised himself. As soon as Ishida figured out where the fuck he was, Kurosaki Ichigo _was dead_. He angrily taped his note to his (friend's?) door, intent on going to find Orihime once he was finished.

"Leaving to find your woman, I presume," come a voice suddenly from behind him.

Turning, he noticed the Eleventh Division's fifth seat had an unreadable look on his face. "Yes. Is that a problem?"

"For all you did tonight, she still does not notice you."

Ishida frowned, thinking off all the things he had done that night, most of it someone else's fault, and didn't notice the man in front of him take a step forward. "Not necess-" And suddenly lips covered his mouth and he almost choked of someone else's tongue. "What is the meaning of this?!" He snapped, roughly shoving at the body in front of him, but only succeeding in wrenching their mouth's apart.

"There is no one in Seireitei as beautiful as I," the feminine man purred, leaning in to nuzzle at Ishida's neck. "Except for you." A soft lick against his throat. "Come on, you can pretend I'm Orihime-chan if you want."

Against himself, Ishida snorted, pushing forward from where his hands were still planted firmly on the other's chest. "You're lacking certain attributes of hers, I'm afraid."

The Quincy could feel the shinigami grin against his neck. "Ah, but Uryuu," he purred, a warm, sexy lilt in this voice that sent a not entirely unwanted shiver down his spine, "I have other things that make up for it." And he rolled his hips against the boy's to prove it.

If asked later, Ishida would blame a multitude of things on the way he acted next. That he was so angry at Kurosaki, the adrenaline made him act rashly. That there was entirely way too much alcohol still coursing through his veins, making him lightheaded and his body completely agreeable to what was being done to it. Or the fact that Ayasegawa Yumichika was entirely too fucking pretty for his own damn good.

Whichever the cause (probably a combination between choices two and three) the end result was Ishida roughly grabbing the shoulders of the man in front of him, spinning them both around, and pinning the startled shinigami to the door before attaching their mouths together.

The note he'd taped on the door before crinkled as Yumichika was shoved back into it and (when he finally regained enough sense to stop sucking face in the hall and move them inside) Ishida vaguely noticed that the door opened awfully easily.

A lamp crashed to the ground as they fell onto the couch, the piece of furniture sliding sideways at the force. A minute later, shirts halfway off, pants mostly undone, Ishida regained enough sense to growl into the column of neck in front of his mouth. "Bed. Now."

And Yumichika could only nod at him dazedly as he was dragged to Ichigo's room.

xxxx

Yumichika shrugged at Ichigo's ashen face. "We could have fucked on you couch, Ichigo-kun."

Ichigo's garbled sound-effect reply wasn't really an answer, but it summed up the situation pretty nicely. Turning and beginning to walk unsteadily down the hall, he paused when Renji asked where he was going. "Drink," he said in a strangled voice and walked to the kitchen. Later, he tried not to choke on his sake as he heard Yumichika gleefully exclaim that he and Ishida would chivalrously conserve Ichigo's water and shower together.

* * *

**A/N:** Not as good as the previous chapters I think, since there's very little Ichigo x Ikkaku in this way (like, none at all). It was going to be longer and there was going to be another flashback of the first bit of everyone drinking, but, if I did that, I'd probably never stop. You might not complain, but my fingers would.

Last Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. _Something from a country song.  
_"It's 5 O'clock Somewhere" is by Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett  
(Found by jaimed1968. Cyber cookies to you!)  
2. _Something from my favorite comedian, that people may not catch.  
_"I've got ten new questions and no goddamn answer!" is from one of Dane Cook's specials (yes, he is my favorite comedian). He was talking about that show _Lost_.  
3. _A line from a Disney (or Pixar? It's animated, anyway) movie  
_"Okay, so that's too much information" is from _Happily N'ever After_. I realize that to catch this, you would have had to seen this movie a thousand times like I have. I freakin love this movie! Rick says is to Ella (Cinderella) when she tells him she was dancing with the Prince and he dress disappeared.

This Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. A line from _My Best Friend's Girl_. Yes, I know this movie came out not too long ago…  
2. This one isn't so much _pop_ culture… It's some random line from one of the _Anita Bla__ke Vampire Hunter Novels_ that I'm putting down, since I don't own that line and it was funny and I used it.  
3. A line from a Orbitz (sp?) gum commercial  
4. A line from _Employee Of The Month_ that you'll only catch if you've seen the outtakes  
5. A couple of random things from _Wizard People, Dear Readers_. And if you haven't seen these and you're a _Harry Potter_ fan, go to YouTube and watch them, they're hysterical.

1. Yes, I made Hitsugaya drink last night! Mwhahaha! Explanations for how THAT happened later.  
2. Not spellchecked. Just wanna post it before I forget.

Reviews are love!


	4. Beginning At The Blue Moon

**Title:** Bamboo Dragon  
**Genre:** Romance / Humor  
**Rating:** M (eventually)  
**Pairing:** Ichigo x Ikkaku (yes, in that order)  
**Spoilers:** None, at the moment  
**Summary:** After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.  
**Word Count:** 2,535  
**Warnings:** Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.

**Disclaimer:** The summary is from _Dude, Where's My Car?_ Which, clearly, is not mine. _Bleach_ is also… not mine. ::Cries::

**A/N:** Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! ::cries::

**Flashbacks in between the xxxxx's.**

* * *

10:30 AM

Thirty minutes later, Ichigo was staring his still half-full glass of sake, debating on whether or not it was wise to drink the remainder. Or if maybe he should get _so_ completely drunk that the last few days would be absolutely wiped from his memory. Of course, he'd have to join to Eleventh Division to explain to himself why he had that Division's logo on his ankle. Though avoiding Ikkaku at the same time, would be hard.

Before he could make a decision, the glass was yanked out of his lax fingers and he looked up just in time to see Ikkaku down it. "What happened now?" He asked, as the man yanked out a chair and slouched down into it with a groan.

"I got shit to do, I can't hang out here all damn day, and it don't take _that_ long to clean up." At Ichigo's arched eyebrow, he continued. "Renji and I dragged the two love birds out of the shower."

Hazel eyes widened and, when Ikkaku slammed his head on the table, reached out and gripped his shoulder tightly in sympathy. The man just groaned and burrowed further into the curve of his arm. "Is… is there anything I can do, man?" Ichigo asked tentatively.

"You can get a new fucking apartment," he snapped, straightening suddenly, "because after what _I_ saw them doing in there…" He shuddered. "I don't wanna fucking think about it."

Ichigo's lip curled back in disgust and, before he could answer, the other three people wandered into the kitchen and Ichigo was grateful to see the two from his bed were now completely dressed and completely _not touching each other_. Always good.

Ishida, glancing around the kitchen, shoved his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and asked, "Where is Inoue-san?"

Renji was the one who answered. "No one knows."

"Excuse me?" Ishida sputtered, Ichigo echoing the question.

The redhead shrugged. "Yeah, we lost her about two AM, no one's seen her since."

"What do you mean you _lost her_?!" Ishida screamed.

Ichigo glanced up at the Quincy, who was practically shaking in anger. "Hey, man, Inoue isn't dumb." He paused. "Well, she is, but, well… who's gonna hurt her here?" He asked, trying the waylay a fight. Both because he didn't want a Quincy arrow shot threw his house. And because Yumichika was frowning the Ishida in a very jealous way, and if Ichigo had to watch a lovers' spat break out in his kitchen between those two, he'd drink himself into a coma and be glad about it.

The bespectacled boy turned his glare to Ichigo, opened his mouth, closed it, then spun on his heel and walked out. "I'm going to go find her," he called, right before he slammed the door closed.

Yumichika took two steps in the direction of the door before Ikkaku reached out and grabbed him by the sleeve, stopping him in his tracks. "Let him go, Yumichika, _gods_," he grumbled, "just let him fucking go. That way, maybe I can look you in the damn face again."

The effeminate man pouted, but stood still, crossing his arms and frowning in the direction of the door. Ichigo felt his stomach roll. It was like some gay-men soap opera around here lately. And he was just a little bit peeved that he was one of the main characters. Oh hallelujah.

For one, blissful moment, there was silence, but, as always, life moves on, reminding the two shinigami at the table that there's no time to angst about seeing their respective best friends in bed (in _your_ bed) or naked in the shower. Life wishes to remind them that they have more important things to do. Like figure why the hell they banged each other last night. And life chose to subtly remind them of this endeavor by having Yumichika smack Ikkaku upside the head and snap at him, "You made me stay, now lets fucking do something before I fuck Ishida on _your_ bed."

That sent the bald-shinigami scrambling to his feet, hauling Ichigo up after him. "Right! Let's fucking go already." Tugging the orange-haired teenager out the door behind him, the remaining two men trailed after them.

"Renji-san," Yumichika said suddenly, as the redhead tried repeatedly to close Ichigo's door, before remembering the lock was broken and just leaving it there, "are you going to do something about your hair? It is most unbeautiful."

Ikkaku and Ichigo paused, from where they were bickering a few steps ahead (sounding for all the world like a married couple, but, of course, not willing to admit it) and turned to see what the hell the feminine man was talking about. Okay, so Renji's vibrant hair was streaked black (_Wonder how the hell that happened anyway_, Ichigo thought), but it actually looked pretty cool. And yeah, his hair wasn't up in it's normal messy-but-still-kind-of-neat ponytail, nor was it braided over his shoulder. It was… well, it was everywhere. Trailing halfway down his back and all over his shoulders to hang in a tangled mess all around his face. But did that really make it unbeautiful?

No, it just kind of made Renji look thoroughly fucked. Which he was. Or had been. So what the hell did it matter?

"Um… no," Renji answered, inching slowly away from the man.

"At least pull it away from your face," Yumichika said, flicking a stray lock of hair off of his cheek.

Renji's hands shot up to the hair around his neck protectively, and the others had to wonder why. And then laugh about how stupid he looked holding a chunk of hair in each hand and backing away from the girly-est shinigami _ever_.

"Come on," Yumichika purred, hands reaching out for the tattooed man, fingers twitching with the desire to yank the hair away and make it more presentable. And to see what he was hiding.

"Hey guys!" If the loud shout wasn't enough to make Ichigo jump out of his skin, Shuuhei suddenly tossing one arm around his shoulders and the other around Ikkaku's sure did the trick. It scared the piss out of Yumichika, too, since he let out a high-pitched squeal and spun around, one hand pressed to his heart

"_Shuuhei_!" He yelled, glaring at the smug look on the lieutenant's face.

"Hey, Shuuhei," Ichigo greeted his friend. "What'd you do last night?" He asked, not entirely sure if he remembered Shuuhei being out with him the night before.

Shuuhei glanced down at the boy to his right. "I got in an argument and killed this weird old guy… I think." Several people gaped at him. Actually, the only one _not_ gaping at him was Renji, who was glaring daggers at his old senpai.

"You… uh… _killed_ a guy?' Ichigo said, wide-eyed and leaning as far away as he could with Shuuhei's arm around his shoulders.

"Yeah," he said dismissively, before his eyes landed on Renji, who still had sparks shooting from his eyes, and Shuuhei grinned. "Hey Renji, nice bandage," he snickered, eyes sparkling with mirth as he stared at the cumbersome bandage on the redhead's nose.

"He said a dog bit his nose," Ichigo said, confused, glancing from the fuming Renji, to the laughing Shuuhei, who rolled his eyes at Ichigo's comment.

"Woof," he deadpanned, finally letting Ichigo and Ikkaku go and walking over to poke more fun at Renji.

Ikkaku and Ichigo sidled to stand side-by-side and were quiet for a long moment, watching Shuuhei say something that made him roar with laughter and made Renji's face turn as red as his hair, while Yumichika flittered around the pair like a gay, hyperactive bumblebee.

"Is it just me," Ichigo started, "or has everything been really gay around here lately?"

Before Ikkaku could open his mouth to answer, Shuuhei shouted over Renji's complaining. "Screw you guys! I was with Rangiku the whole fucking night!"

A blink. "Oh."

"Hey, I think I remember that," Ikkaku said suddenly.

"What? Shuuhei fucking Rangiku-san?" Ichigo asked sarcastically

After backhanding him upside the head, he said, "No dumbass, Shuuhei biting Abarai's nose." His forehead furrowed in thought. "Abarai had him in a headlock, I think."

"Renji had _everyone_ in a headlock at some point or another last night," Yumichika cut in, sidling up to the pair and tugging at their sleeves until they started walking. "Now come on, Renji tells me we're following our trail of drunkenness."

"Yes, in-fucking-deed," Ichigo muttered, wishing he could go someone and angst like anybody else in his position would do, but knowing he couldn't. and he should probably find Inoue anyway. "Let's get this show on the road."

11 AM

Thirty minutes later and the troupe was in East Rukongai, District 20.

"Is there where we were last night?" Ichigo asked, glancing at the bar. The grayish, circular sign nailed over the door read _Blue Moon_.

"This is where we _started_ last night," Yumichika corrected. "We figured it was far enough away from Seireitei that no one would mind if a fight broke out, and far enough away from the higher Districts that no one would try and kill us if we passed out."

Well, couldn't argue with something that made so much sense. Knowing the kinds of people that came to these parties, the possibility of a fight breaking out was pretty fucking good. Try like, 120-percent.

"Remember anything, buddy?" Renji said, slinging an arm over Ichigo's shoulder, and suddenly Ichigo remembered something similar from the night before.

xxxxx

"Okay crew, set your faces to 'stunned'." The grin on Renji's face said that he was enormously pleased with himself, though Ichigo, looking up at the circular blue sign over the door, whose scripted letters read _The Blue Moon_, honestly couldn't see why. It looked like every other fucking bar in this part of Rukongai.

"What's so great about this place Abarai?" Ikkaku scoffed from somewhere to Ichigo's right. "There're plenty of bars in the higher Districts that are a hell of a lot more fun then this place."

The shit-eating grin on Renji's face grew wider. "Yeah, but _this_ place," he said, jerking a thumb at the building behind him, "gives shinigami free booze whenever there's a blue moon."

Silence. Until Matsumoto, standing to Ichigo's left and using his shoulder as an armrest, said, "So?"

He frowned. "Tonight's a blue moon, you idiots." More silence. "Free booze!"

That sent everyone moving and Ichigo found himself jostled forward along with the crowd as they entered a foggy, wine strewn bar, the smell of sake permeating _everything_.

"Alright bitches!" Ikkaku crowed, heading straight for the bar, shoving people out of the way left and right. Hey, there was free booze at that bar and he needed some. "I'm gonna get my drink on!"

Ichigo frowned at the situation in general and dropped gracelessly down into the nearest empty booth, not glancing up from the grainy wood of the table until a glass filled with beer clinked down in front of him. Lifting his head, he saw Yumichika sit down across from him, robes draped elegantly across the chair, chin propped in one long-fingered hand, looking poised and totally and completely out of place.

He glanced sideways at Ichigo when the boy didn't move. The eyes flickered to the glass he'd sat down in front of him. "Aren't you going to drink, Ichigo? I thought you might like to join in on the festivities, since Ikkaku brought you here to make you feel better."

He felt guilt churn in his stomach. Picking up the glass like it would explode at any moment, he took a glance at the others. Matsumoto and Renji were drinking something that looked like what Ichigo had. Though, judging by the speed at which the two of them were downing what was in front of them, they'd probably already gone through a whole keg by now. But they seemed alright. So Ichigo put the glass to his mouth and chugged down half of it.

Before slamming it back on the table and scrunching up his face in disgust. Note to self: beer tastes crappy unless you're already drunk.

Yumichika tittered across from him. "Not to your tastes, Ichigo?"

"Course not," Ikkaku slurred, sliding in next to his squad member and sliding the jug of sake in his hand across the table. "Try this. It tastes better that that fucking shit," he said, nodding his head towards the half-full glass of beer.

Ichigo sighed as he picked up the jug Ikkaku pushed towards him. "I will regret this tomorrow," he said, before taking a hearty swig.

Oh, how right he was.

xxxxx

* * *

**A/N:** I do not know if they drink beer in Soul Society. But they do now. And before the end of this story, they'll have drunk more than that.

Last Chapter's Pop Culture Reference:  
1. _A line from __My Best Friend's Girl__. Yes, I know this movie came out not too long ago…  
_"Why are you sitting in the dark like a vampire you crazy fucker?"  
_2. This one isn't so much pop culture… It's some random line from one of the __Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Novels __that I'm putting down, since I don't own that line and it was funny and I used it.  
_"There were two people in my bed and none of them were me."  
_3. A line from a Orbitz (sp?) gum commercial  
_"What the French toast?!"  
_4. A line from __Employee Of The Month __that you'll only catch if you've seen the outtakes  
_"King Henry the Church…? Who…?" is from one of Andy Dick's outtake scenes where he shouts random things as he gets woken up. I'll be using some more of these.  
_5. A couple of random things from __Wizard People, Dear Readers__. And if you haven't seen these and you're a __Harry Potter __fan, go to YouTube and watch them, they're hysterical._

This Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. A vague, vague line from _Samurai Champloo_. And if you spot it, let me know, I should like to see if anyone else is as retarded as I am.  
2. Okay, the "He told me a dog bit him." / "Woof." lines are from _something_. _But I freakin don't know what_! So, like, if someone _did_ know, they would be totally super freaking sweet.  
(Wow, only two? And they're so vague, I'm basically just putting them in here as disclaimers, since no one's gonna freakin' get 'em.)

And I'm stopping here because if I don't it'll be twenty pages long, and while I'm sure you'd appreciate it, my fingers wouldn't. And neither would my grades. Pfft. Stupid college. If I memorize any more parts of human anatomy I'm going to friggin kill myself.

And not spelled checked. Point out my numerous mistakes so I can come back and fix them after finals.


	5. BarHopping Part I

**Title:** Bamboo Dragon  
**Genre:** Romance / Humor  
**Rating:** M (eventually)  
**Pairing:** Ichigo x Ikkaku (yes, in that order)  
**Spoilers:** None, at the moment  
**Summary:** After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.  
**Word Count:** 1,963  
**Warnings:** Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.  
**Disclaimer:** The summary is from _Dude, Where's My Car?_ Which, clearly, is not mine. _Bleach_ is also… not mine. ::Cries::

**A/N:** Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! ::cries::

**Flashbacks between the xxxx's.**

* * *

xxxxx

Ichigo laughed uproariously at something Shuuhei said, glad that they had run into the Ninth Division Lieutenant with the Third Division Lieutenant at the bar. Or else have never realized how funny the other man was. Part was through Shuuhei's story, Ichigo had actually forgotten what he was talking about, but it must have been funny, he reasoned, since he was still laughing, as Shuuhei waved his arms around and tried to stand on a chair, only to fall on his ass. Which only caused Ichigo to laugh harder, holding his stomach, as tears streamed down his face.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey," Matsumoto purred as she sidled up to the group's table, draping herself over Ikkaku, who was closest to her. "Listen to me," she said. "Listen." No one was talking. "Listen." Another pause. "Know what we should do? … We should go bar-hopping!"

Shuuhei stood shakily from the floor at the same time all the men at the table clattered to their feet. "That's a great idea!" They shouted, not quite simultaneously.

Forcing herself into a semi-standing position, Matsumoto grinned. "I'm gonna go find taicho!" And as she wandered off with a wine-ish swagger, the rest of the group of men teetered out the door and farther into Rukongai.

Ten steps out the door and Ichigo paused, before a grin split his face. "Chado!" He yelled, walking (sort of) over to his tall friend, who looked shocked as Ichigo slung his arm around his shoulders, or tried to, anyway. Chad was so tall, it didn't really work well. Ishida and Orihime, on either side of their taller friend, glanced at each other in confusion.

"Kurosaki, are you drunk?"

Turning slowly, he moved to drag the Quincy to him with his free arm but suddenly found Yumichika in his way, as the fifth-seat leaned against bespectacled boy. "_Ishida-kun…_" he murmured.

"HEY!" The group started at Renji's loud voice and glanced over. "Time's a-wastin'! And there's beer to be drunk!" And with that he turned and walked off with Izuru wavering unsteadily beside him. Poor thing couldn't have that high of a tolerance.

Shuuhei walked up between the two, slinging an around their shoulders and the others trailed behind (Ishida with an eye roll as he tried to pry Yumichika off of his) as Shuuhei started singing, "What is the malted liquor? What makes you drunker quicker? What comes in bottles or in can?" After each question he'd pause just long enough for Renji and Izuru to yell, "BEER!"

xxxxx

"Why was I singing again?" Shuuhei asked blankly, as they stared at the door. "And where the hell did Kira wind up anyway? I haven't seen him all day."

The others shrugged and moved to walk into _The Blue Moon_, pausing when they heard a commotion behind them. What they saw was… slightly odd.

Matsumoto had her Captain by the hand and was literally _dragging_ him down the street to where they were standing. Even from here, they could see the angry flush to Hitsugaya's face and the closer he got to them, the colder the air became.

"Matsumoto," he ground out through gritted teeth, "I really must protest."

"Duly noted," she chirped, still dragging him forward, until they were all grouped together.

A strong feeling of déjà vu struck him and Ichigo remembered something similar that had happened the night before.

xxxxx

"Matsumoto, I do not like this!"

The group at the door, now encompassing half a dozen people, turned at the Tenth Division Captain's irritated voice and watched as Matsumoto pulled him forward.

"Your objection has been noted." At the door, she paused just long enough to give them all a smile and a wink, before tugging on Hitsugaya's hand again. He didn't move. She tugged again. When he still didn't budge, she put her free hand on her hip and huffed at him. "You are not making this easy, taicho."

"Hurrah," he deadpanned, rolling his eyes.

"Come on, Toshiro," Ichigo urged, moving behind the frosty captain and giving him a shove forward into Matsumoto's cleavage.

Sputtering indignantly, he started yelling the moment his face was free of her breasts. "It's Hitsugaya-taicho!" He started when Matsumoto yanked him forward and into over the bar's threshold.

_Aces & Eights_ was the most popular bar in East District 24, mostly for its large number of poker tables. And it was the most violent bar in the inner 30 Districts. Hitsugaya crinkled his nose in disgust at the smell of old beer. "This is your idea of fun?" He asked, eyebrow arching as some man screamed "Cheater!" and started throwing punches.

Matsumoto stopped grinning around the room and glanced down at him. "Well… yes."

He rolled his eyes again, turned to leave, and walked straight into Shuuhei and Ikkaku, who grinned down at him. "Ne, taicho," Ikkaku said, "Do you play cards?"

Twenty minutes later and Hitsugaya Toshiro was quickly learning that cards was not something you could suddenly just be good at. And apparently, he sucked at it. No matter how good he thought his hand was, someone always seemed to have something better. He was frowning down at the cards in his hands, as the people he was playing with, Ikkaku, Shuuhei, Ishida, and Orihime (who was surprisingly good) sniggered around him, when someone suddenly slung their arms around him from behind.

"Ne, taicho, did you miss me?" Matsumoto said perkily into his ear, glasses in her hands clinking in front of him.

"How can I miss you," he growled, trying to shove her arms off of him, "if you won't _go away_?!"

"That's mean, taicho," she pouted. "And I brought you a drink, too," she handed, holding out one of the glasses to him.

He turned away from the offered alcohol. "I don't drink."

"Aw, what's the matter?" Ikkaku asked. "S'not like there's a high limitation on booze."

Matsumoto grinned from behind him. "I could go see if I can find you a juice box, taicho, would that be better?" She jumped when he threw his cards angrily onto the table, noted in a sort of detached way that he had a pair of eights and a pair of aces, and yanked the glass out of her hand.

"Fine."

And the boys all cheered at Hitsugaya, with all the ignorance of the village idiot plunging straight to his doom, tipped the glass back and downed the first of what would be many, many shots.

xxxxx

"I forgot you got drunk," Ichigo commented. "And, uh, sorry 'bout shoving you in and all."

Hitsugaya glared. "I would prefer to forget. About everything that happened yesterday."

"Well too bad, short-stuff," Ikkaku cut in. "Cuz we're trying to remember it. Can to join us?" Toshiro opened his mouth to answer, but the bald shinigami cut him off before he could utter a single word. "Wasn't really asking. Now! Let's go find that bar, since we didn't stay here long!"

"Well we didn't stay _there_ long either," Hitsugaya mumbled.

"Hm?" Glancing down, Ikkaku raised a questioning brow.

"Oh, that's right," Yumichika said. "Hitsugaya-taicho got rather… angry at one of the bar's patrons for commenting on his height and…" He shrugged. "Well, in the end we got thrown out. And went to…" He frowned. "That bar on the border of East 25 and 26."

"Well then, what're we waiting for? Let's go there!" Renji crowed, ushering them all forward.

11:15 AM

"_The Drunken Clam_?" Ichigo read off the sign, before glancing at the group around him. "Really?"

Matsumoto shrugged. "That's what you said yesterday, too."

xxxxx

"_The Drunken Clam_?" He slurred, one arm slung around Chad for support, since his taller friend, though drunk, was still steadier on his feet then Ichigo was. "Stupid name for a bar."

"Who cares man?" Ikkaku said, yanking Ichigo forward. "It's a bar, it's got booze, who cares what it's called?"

Tripping in through the doorframe, since most of them had bypassed 'wasted' and were now just 'utterly trashed,' they took a moment to glance around before heading straight for the bar.

Sitting only slightly steadily at a couple of booths, the group of them proceeded to try and drink the bar out of business, and only looked up again when a stage was set up and bar started beating out a heavy tempo that was the magical beat for drunks to decide to try and dance to. And try they did.

Orihime was laughing and hiccupping in alternating bursts as she watched Shuuhei try (and fail) to dance. "Shake-" She hiccupped. "Shake your money maker!"

Ichigo, attempting to get Ishida to dance, kept throwing Yumichika's arms off of him, as the fifth-seat tried to drag him away from the Quincy. Chad was the only one not trying to dance, since Ikkaku was swaying to and fro next to Renji, who was doing the same. And Hitsugaya was dancing with some girl that looked vaguely familiar, but who Ichigo was too drunk to place.

He finally let Ishida go when the boy yanked free and drunkenly fell into Orihime, who just as drunkenly let him stay there. Turning when he heard a commotion behind him, he was met with the sight of Kira, Third Division lieutenant Kira Izuru, dancing like he was on Soul Train. Apparently, alcohol did wonders for his mad dance skills.

"Dance, cabana boy, dance!" Matsumoto cheered him on gleefully, before pitching to the side drunkenly. Who knew Izuru could dance when he was plastered?

xxxxx

"You know," she commented. "That's the last place I remember seeing Kira yesterday."

"… Whatever," Ikkaku said. "Where did we go from here?"

Putting a finger to her lip, she thought about it for a second. "Ah! I remember!" And then she started walking off, expecting the others to follow. Which they did.

* * *

**A/N:** Part I of II, since six pages is all my fingers (and brain) can handle at this point. And wouldn't you rather I post it now, so you have something to occupy yourself with, while I get to work on part II of this chapter?

Last Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
_1. A vague, vague line from Samurai Champloo. And if you spot it, let me know, I should like to see if anyone else is as retarded as I am.  
_It's Shuuhei's "I killed some weird old guy" line. Mugen says it.  
_2. Okay, the "He told me a dog bit him." / "Woof." lines are from something. But I freakin don't know what! So, like, if someone did know, they would be totally super freaking sweet.  
_I honestly don't know. Just that's it's from something. If you know, let me know.  
_(Wow, only two? And they're so vague, I'm basically just putting them in here as disclaimers, since no one's gonna freakin' get 'em.)_

This Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. A few lines from a Weird Al song.  
2. The _Aces & Eights_ bar. And why it's funny that Hitsugaya had a pair of aces and eights and then "got shot."  
3. _The Drunken Clam_ is from a TV show  
4. A line from a rap song, that's mostly the title of the song, too.

As always, I -heart- reviews! They make me smile like an idiot!


	6. BarHopping Part II

**Title:** Bamboo Dragon  
**Genre:** Romance / Humor  
**Rating:** M (eventually)  
**Pairing:** Ichigo x Ikkaku (yes, in that order)  
**Spoilers:** None, at the moment  
**Summary:** After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.  
**Word Count:** 3,396  
**Warnings:** Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.  
**Disclaimer:** The summary is from _Dude, Where's My Car?_ Which, clearly, is not mine. _Bleach_ is also… not mine. ::Cries::

**A/N:** Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! ::cries::

**Flashbacks between the xxxx's.**

* * *

11:30 AM

Part-way to the next stop on their Drunken Escapades Roadtrip, they paused, because they could have sworn they recognized the scabbard of the zanpaktou sticking out from under that vegetable cart.

Wandering over, they realized that, yes, said sword was strapped to someone's hip, and that, yes, they did recognize said person.

With all the tact of a blunt axe, Ikkaku kicked the person in the leg, the only part of them he could reach, and arched one slim brow when the person mumbled something that sounded like, "Booze liquor." He kicked them again, with more force, and, trying to sit up suddenly, they slammed their head into the bottom of the cart they were currently half-collapsed under.

Yumichika and Ichigo, who had reached down to help the, froze in mid-movement when the owner of the cart had screeched like a banshee from hell and started gathering up his produce, which, from this close range, could be seen to be nothing but a cartful of cabbages.

"You hoodlums! You're here to destroy my cabbages again!" He yelled. "Well I won't have it!" And then, before any one of the people in the stunned group could utter a word of protest, he left, cart and all.

Glancing at each other, still half-bent over, Yumichika and Ichigo shrugged together, turned back to the person in the dirt, and said in unison, "Kira?"

He looked up at them blearily, moving slowly from one confused person to the next. "Where's 'Hime?" He slurred, blue eyes unfocused. "We were t'gether an' then- an'then we weren't!" His eyes started to tear. "I need her!" He hiccupped. "I love her!" And then… he passed out.

There was a moment of silence, as the group stared down at the passed out lieutenant, realizing that this is probably why they couldn't remember seeing Kira past their stint in _The Drunken Clam_. Because he was unconscious under a cart full of cabbages. Though, if he was so adamant about Orihime, they had to wonder where she was. Oh well.

"Okay…" Shuuhei said slowly. "So… I guess I'll just, Uhhh…" He sidled his way in between Yumichika and Ichigo, grabbed one of Kira's arms, and hoisted the blond onto his shoulder. "Guess I'll just bring him back to his division."

"Sounds good," Renji said, watching as his old teacher carried away his old classmate, before shaking his head and turning back to the others. "Anyways…"

Matsumoto shook her head and flashed the remaining shinigami (now down to Ikkaku, Renji, Hitsugaya, and Ichigo) a grin. "Alright! Let's go!"

Following the busty strawberry-blonde, her hair still done in hundreds of cornrows, she led them to District 32, where, without stopping, they followed her into a bar named _Cheers_. Original.

xxxxx

"This bar," Ichigo hiccupped, "Has the stupidest name… ever." He was leaning heavily against a barstool as he spoke, and still looked unsteady on his feet. He stared blearily at the person in front of him (Matsumoto). "Know what I mean?"

Matsumoto nodded drunkenly and downed another glass of sake.

The bar might have had a stupid name, but everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Ishida was listening raptly to Orihime, an enraptured look on his face. No one was quiet sure if he actually _knew_ what she was saying, since he didn't seem to be someone particularly fluent in drunken-ese. Yumichika was at the table behind the Quincy, downing shots like they were going out of style and sending Inoue hate-filled, death-glares in between every shot. Chad was standing off to the side of the bar, eyes unfocused as he tried to concentrate on standing. Shuuhei and Renji were having a contest to see who could drink the most in a minute. Hitsugaya was… well he was sitting at a barstool with his head slumped over the bar, cradling a half-full glass of some dark amber liquid in his hand. And Ikkaku was somewhere in the background. Ichigo couldn't see him, but he could hear him picking a fight with someone ("Shut your drunk ass up!").

Just as he raised the glass to his lips, the door to the bar slammed violently open and everyone froze and turned towards the noise. Framed in the doorway as the grinning, slightly unsteady-on-his-feet, captain of the eighth division.

"Why _hello_!" He sang out so joyfully one could almost imagine the hearts floating in the air around him. "Let's get my drink on!"

As he sauntered over to the bar, it was only then that everyone noticed his frowning lieutenant trailing behind him. The glare on her face made it blindingly apparent that just did not hold with this nonsense. Standing behind Shunsui as he chugged down alcohol in an effort tot become as drunk as he could as fast as he could, she plastered a pissed-off look on her face and seemed content to just remain their until he drank himself into a coma.

"Oh!" He cried, leaning over the counter so he was hanging over the bar. "What's this?!" He asked, grabbing the nozzle for beer and starting to push buttons and pull levers.

As beer began spray all over the bar and anyone in the vicinity, Nanao reached around, pulled the hose out of Shunsui's hands and turned it off. "Buttons aren't toys!" She screamed at him, shoving him back into his seat.

Ichigo turned back to his present drinking companion and ignored the eighth division members until, about thirty minutes later, with a loud clatter, Shunsui fell from his barstool.

With an angry huff and a roll of her eyes, Nanao leaned down to offer her captain a hand up. "You are drunk," she said bluntly, as he grinned up her from the floor.

"And you, are not…" He slurred.

Another eye roll as she tugged on his hand. When he didn't move, she made an aggravated sound and put her hands on her hips. "Get up!" She demanded. "You are making a fool of yourself."

"Nuh-uh, not until you have a drink with me." He stuck his lower lip out in a quivering pout, tearing eyes looking up at her imploringly.

"Fine!" She snapped, snatching the first glass of alcohol off the bar she came across, yanked it up, and downed it.

"Yay! Nanao-chan!" Shunsui cheered, suddenly on his feet and swinging his lieutenant in circles.

Thirty minutes later, everyone in the bar learned a previously unknown, but nonetheless vital piece of information: Apparently drunk Nanao is a whole hell of a lot meaner than sober Nanao.

"You've had a lot of beers, taicho," Nanao mumbled, words slurring together. "I think you should stop."

"Nanao-chan, I'm a little bit older than you, I've been around the block a few times," Shunsui said. "I've been around the block," he repeated, teetering unsteadily, even in his chair.

"That's because you're too fucking drunk to find your Division! You've had like, five _hundred_ beers!" She yelled, volume making everyone wince. "Now let's fucking go!"

The shinigami started in shock as Nanao proceeded to drag her captain out the door by one of his ears, yelling all the way.

xxxxx

Shaking his head to clear his sight from his flashback-haze, Ichigo stared around _Cheers_, noticing the pile of broken chairs in the back of the room, no doubt remnants of whatever fight Ikkaku found himself in last night. "Well," he said. "Does anyone remember where we went next?"

"……… I'll go ask," Yumichika said. When he returned several moments later, he looked strangely queasy.

"What's wrong with you?"

The effeminate man shook his head and walked out the door. The remaining people glanced at each other, brows arched in confusion, before following.

12 Noon

"We did _not_," Ikkaku said, swallowing thickly, "Come _here_." He glanced around at the pale faced around him. "Did we?"

Yumichika nodded sadly.

"I don't suppose," Hitsugaya said tentatively, "there's any way for us to avoid entering… this place."

The fifth seat shrugged. "I don't know where we went from here. Do any of you?"

Renji gave a frustrated sigh. "Come on guys, show some balls." And with that he shoved open the door (painted a brilliant purple with sparkling silver designs). The group took two steps over the threshold after him and stopped, realizing why no one ever came to the District 53 for drinking sprees.

The sign over the bar, done in what had to be a million multicolored Christmas lights, read _TRANSylvania_ and the entire place… was just frightening. Streamers and sparklers, glitter and gaudy decorations.

"Why on earth did we come _here_?" Matsumoto said.

"Oh my _GAWD_!" The cry startled the group, but not as much as the sight of the person who had yelled it. The man (woman?) coming towards them was… strange.

xxxxx

"Well _helloooo_! What _haaaave_ we here?"

When the drunken mass of shinigami and humans blinked at the patron of the bar, unsure if they were confused because of all the liquor, or because the patron was so damn androgynous.

The face was pretty in a masculine way that Yumichika's wasn't. Yumichika looked like a flat-chested woman, this person just looked like a strangely pretty guy. Smooth pale skin, high cheekbones made the eyes seem slanted, but the strong, square jaw gave the face masculinity. Their hair was long, like Renji's when his was down, and as blindingly yellow as the sun, with multicolored pieces of hair clipped in to the golden mass. But his clothes…

Clearly he didn't come from a fighting background, since he was slender, all smooth limbs and soft lines. But it didn't excuse the fact that he was wearing lacy black bra (clearly stuffed with… something) and lacy black underwear to match. Add to this the fact that he was wearing elbow-length black gloves, sheer black stockings, and positively lethal looking high-heels and you had an overall ensemble that would have been really fucking hot… on a woman. On him, it was mostly just disturbing.

Actually, it was _all_ disturbing. Especially when the man winked one cerulean eye (surrounded by artfully done smoky eye-shadow) and curved glossed lips in a sultry, welcoming smile. "What a handsome group of men, we have here!" He purred, leaning forward to run the gloved fingers of one hand over Shuuhei's cheek, tracing over his tattoo with a terrifying glint in his eyes.

The lieutenant reeled backwards. "Who the hell do you think you are?!"

"Me?" The man said, straightening and placing one hand to his chest, appearing genuinely affronted. "Why, I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual TRANSylvania!" Arms outstretched, he gestured to the entire bar.

The group gaped at him, but, as they simultaneously turned around to leave, they were dragged back in by a multitude of the bars customers.

xxxxx

Staring at the cross-dresser rapidly approaching them, high heels clicking rhythmically on the hardwood floors of the bar. The man had a wide-grin plastered across his pretty face, arms outstretched. As one, the group took a step back, but the man had already thrown his arms around Yumichika. "Hello dah-ling!"

To his credit, Yumichika did a remarkable job of not running screaming in the other direction. The fifth seat might be swinging for the other team, but they only guy he was interested in seeing in lacy women's undergarments was Ishida Uryuu. The thought of the Quincy in heels and nothing else, sent his mind into "Yumichika's Inner Theatre" and was probably the reason for both the glazed over look in his eyes and why he didn't pull away when the drag-queen kissed him on both cheeks.

Noticing his friend's mind was currently A.W.O.L., Ikkaku gently tugged Yumichika behind him and addressed the man in drag. "And you are?"

The man pouted, lower lip trembling, eyes tearing. It was a good performance. But Ikkaku was pissed and still slightly hung-over, so it didn't do any good. "You don't remember me Ikkaku-kun?"

He arched a brow at the suffice. "No," was his blunt answer.

Before the blond could start to cry in earnest, Matsumoto snapped her fingers. "Akemi!"

The man (Akemi?) smiled brilliantly at her. "Ah- yes! You are correct, Rangiku-chan! And how are you on this fine afternoon?"

She shrugged, sliding with ease into chit-chatting with the man. "Well, we're all trying to retrace our steps from yesterday." She winked at the man. "You don't happen to know where we went from here, do you?"

Akemi tossed his head back and laughed. "Well, if I recall correctly," he said, jutting out his hip and resting one of his hands on it, "the boys were a little traumatized after spending almost half-an-hour here." He winked at Yumichika. "Especially after I managed to convince Yumi-chan here to help me braid that cutie's," he nodded at Ichigo, "hair."

"_You_ braided my hair?!" Ichigo yelled.

"Can you tell us where we went so we may leave?" Hitsugaya cut in, not up to breaking up a fight.

"As I said, the poor boys were a tad bit distraught, so, I believe Ikkaku-kun suggested you all go to _Sappho's Lyre_." He shrugged. "I cannot say for certain you made it there, you were terribly drunk, but that's where you said you were headed, in any case."

"Well…" the boys said, beginning to inch backwards, "thank-you, Akemi… Uhhh.. -san. We'll, we'll just be leaving now."

The man gave a predatory grin. "Oh no you don't, not until I get a goodbye kiss from you boys."

With a terrified glance at one another, they screamed.

12: 15 PM

Still furiously wiping at his face, as if he could still feel Akemi's lips on his cheek, Ikkaku was glaring at everything. "If I ever find out whose bright idea it was to go there yesterday, I will kill them… slowly."

"Me first," came the immediate answer from the rest of the males.

"Come on now boys, don't be so down," Matsumoto chirped, skipping along beside them, no doubt taking extreme delight in their discomfort. Stopping suddenly, she spoke over the angry tirade Hitsugaya was spouting at her. "Oh! Here we are!"

_Sappho's Lyre_ didn't look like a bar way out in District 67 was supposed to look. None of the windows were boarded up of broken, there were no empty bottles on the ground, all of the lights were functioning, and the paint wasn't chipped. All-in-all, it looked… neat.

"… Why'd we come here?" Ichigo asked, curling his upper lips back at the place. It looked clean and… girly. Though, from the leering grins on Renji, Shuuhei, and Ikkaku's faces, he got the feeling he was missing something.

Matsumoto was frowning at the door. "I remember this place."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she said, turning back to the group. "Remember, Orihime-chan fell down on the way here and got dirty. And we bought some clothes for her." She winked at her captain. "It was charged to the Tenth Division."

He frowned. "I vaguely recall that."

xxxxx

"This place… is so… _awesome_!!!" Ichigo cheered.

If _TRANSylvania_ was filled with people in drag and (as such) every straight man's nightmare, _Sappho's Lyre_ was their heaven. The entire place was employed by women. Really, really hot women. Who danced. On the bar. In white shirts. And then got water poured on them.

At the moment, all the men in the troupe were sitting in a line down the bar, gaping up at the women dancing. Even the stoic Chad, Ishida, and Hitsugaya had wide-eyes. None of them knew people could bend that way.

When Matsumoto slid into the chair beside Shuuhei, he glanced over at her. "Didn't you go to get clothes with Inoue?"

"She's changing." She sighed, staring at him from the corner of her eye. "I can dance like that, you know," she said, a sultry lilt in her voice.

He was turning to gape at her, when Ikkaku's cat-whistle caught his attention, since the bald man wasn't looking at the bar. Turning to follow his line of sight, he felt his jaw literally drop.

Every man alive knew that Inoue Orihime was a damn pretty girl. But in the getup she was pimping now… she was downright boner-inducing. Black slippers, that Shuuhei thought looked pretty much like those that the second division captain liked to wear. And then he had a long eyeful of leg, leg, leg, since her pants had been exchanged for a butchered version of a shinigami uniform, like Nemu's. And Orihime had legs to die for. Not to mention the low-cut top, reminiscent of Matsumoto's uniform, showed off far more cleavage than she normally did.

"Wow, Inoue," he said, swallowing. "Just… wow."

She blushed prettily, looking down at the top of her new shoes. "A-arigatou, Hisagi-san."

"Please," he said, "call me Shuuhei." He flashed her a charming smile.

Her blush darkened. "Arigatou… Shuuhei-san." She didn't notice the commotion in the background as Ishida stood so angrily his stool clattered to the ground. "Do you… do you really think it looks alright?" Back at the bar, Ishida took one step forward, before Yumichika, seated beside him, yanked him backwards by his arm so forcibly, the Quincy let out a squawk and wound up across the fifth seat's lap.

Matsumoto frowned. "I don't like it."

Shuuhei and Orihime both turned to her.

"Really?" Orihime asked, looking down. Her brows were furrowed. "You helped me pick it out though."

She stood, walking over so she was in between Shuuhei and Orihime. "Yeah, but, it's kind of slutty."

Orihime stared at her for a moment. "… Don't you have the same thing back in your quarters?"

"… yeah, well, I'm a slut," she said.

Shuuhei arched a brow at her and, just as he opened his mouth to comment on _that_ enlightening piece of information, Ishida, who had managed to yank himself free from Yumichika's jealous death-grip, fell into the him. And as Shuuhei tripped forward a step, one of his arms, wind-milling to keep himself steady, hit Matsumoto, and she fell forward right into Orihime.

For at least thirty seconds, no one in the vicinity moved or spoke or even _breathed_. They just stared at the two accidentally lip-locked young woman and wondered if they'd died and gone to Hot Girl Kissing Heaven.

Orihime seemed frozen in spoke, but Matsumoto happened to see the transfixed look on Shuuhei's face and decided that now she could probably get his attention to focus on her. If, maybe, she did something crazy. So, when Orihime finally seemed to realize what was happening and took a step back, Matsumoto grabbed her and forced their lips back together. And then she kissed the hell out of her.

"She kissed a girl…" Ishida gasped.

Shuuhei nodded, staring unblinkingly at the scene before him. "And I like it…"

xxxxx

Matsumoto was staring at the door with obvious disdain. "I can't believe I did that." She sighed. "And all to get Shuuhei's attention."

It was Yumichika's turn to shrug. "It worked didn't it. If I remember, he was practically panting after you the rest of the night."

She grinned at him. "Much the same was your Quincy was going after Orihime-chan."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "That no longer matters, since _I'm_ the one who go fucked by him last night."

"Moving on!" Ichigo shouted, interrupting. He _really_ didn't want to know about the sexual exploits of his friends. Though, he had the nagging feeling that if he kept remembering things, he'd know them anyway. Yay. "I have this vague memory that we didn't stay here too long after that. Renji tried to snog one of the dancers and they kicked us out."

"I felt left out!" The redhead cried out indignantly.

"Whatever," Ichigo said, rolling his eyes. "Anyone know where we went from here.

Renji spoke up again. "I do."

After he was silent for a minute, Hitsugaya was the one who snapped. "We don't have all day, Abarai, would you care to tell us?"

"Come on," he said, gesturing for them to follow.

He led them to a bar about twenty minutes away, in District 76, that looked like a proper bar from the 76th should look. The front window was busted, the hole in the front door was the perfect size of a person's fist, and the gasp down the side wall looked eerily similar a mark left by a sword.

The sign overhead read: _The Green Fairy_.

* * *

A/N: A week apart. Not bad, right? Also, the next chapter is where the fun _really_ starts, so the whole chapter will be what happened at that one bar. And if you get _The Green Fairy_ reference, you'll probably get why that's where the fun begins. Lol.

1. "Akemi" is (from what I've gathered) a Japanese boys name meaning "beauty of dawn." Tell me if I'm wrong, since it's hard to look up names in my dictionary, owing to the fact that the characters used for names sometimes don't match the words they mean.

Last Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. A few lines from a Weird Al song.  
_It's Shuuhei, Kira, and Renji's song: "What is the malted liquor? [Beer!] What makes you drunker quicker? [Beer!] What comes in bottles or in cans? [Beer!]" And it's aptly named; 'The Beer Song.'  
_2. The _Aces & Eights_ bar. And why it's funny that Hitsugaya had a pair of aces and eights and then "got shot."  
_Wild Bill Hickok was holding a pair of aces and a pair of eights when he was shot in Deadwood Saloon. So it's called Dead Man's Hand.  
__(Found by: jaimed1968 [who gave me school-age and told me this took place in South Dakota])  
_3. _The Drunken Clam_ is from a TV show  
_From Family Guy. Duh.  
__(Found by: Rionarch, Afrieal [aka Affie & Rysh], Lakis, jaimed1968, Anonlovesishida)  
_4. A line from a rap song, that's mostly the title of the song, too.  
"_Shake your money maker" is a line from Ludacris' song "Money Maker"  
__(Found by: Rionarch)_

This Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. _Cheers_ is the bar from an old TV show, and if you've even remotely heard of it, you'll get it.  
2. A line from _A Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy_ (the movie)  
3. A few lines from Dane Cook's _Vicious Circle  
_4. A line from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show  
_5. A little conversation taken from an episode from the first season of _Friends_ between Rachel and her sister  
6. Why it amuses me that two girls kissed in a bar named _Sappho's Lyre_ (not really pop culture, it's more mythology/Greek history)  
7. Reference to a Katy Perry song

Reviews make me happy!


	7. The Green Fairy

**Title:** Bamboo Dragon  
**Genre:** Romance / Humor  
**Rating:** M (eventually)  
**Pairing:** Ichigo x Ikkaku (yes, in that order) (guess I should mention the others: Ishida x Yumichika, Shuuhei x Matsumoto, one-sided Ishida x Orihime, Izuru x Orihime, Byakuya x Renji, Shunsui x Nanao that's it for now) (tell me if there's something you'd like to see, that DOESN'T involve those people, I'm thinking of having an Ukitake x Rukia thing-y, but I can't figure out where to stick it)  
**Spoilers:** None, at the moment  
**Summary:** After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.  
**Word Count:** 4,681  
**Warnings:** Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.

**Disclaimer:** The summary is from _Dude, Where's My Car?_ Which, clearly, is not mine. _Bleach_ is also… not mine. ::Cries::

**A/N:** Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! ::cries::

Full explanation for long, long, (really long) wait, at the bottom.

**Flashbacks between the xxxx's.**

* * *

From the outside, _The Green Fairy_ looked… well, like shit, to put it bluntly. But from the inside… well, actually it wasn't much better. Booths in dingy corners with dim lights swinging overhead, pool tables littered with empty beer and sake bottles, the floor underneath covered with cigarette butts and stained with liquor. The entire place smelled musty and dank and old, like stale alcohol and sweat and other things that no one wanted to dwell on for too long.

Stepping over a few broken chairs and pool sticks, they made their way to the bar, which seemed… remarkably well-kept, considering the state of the rest of the place. The entire thing was made out of glossy bamboo, polls at either end, and, when Ichigo leaned over it to see if someone was back there, he saw an intricate carving of an oriental dragon along the top of it.

"Hey," he called, as the others leaned against various pieces of furniture around him and looked around. "Hey," he called a little louder. "Is someone fucking-" his eyes caught sight of the bulletin board behind the counter, "back… there…" His eyes grew almost impossibly wide as he trailed off.

Renji, leaning back against the bar next to him, turned to him when he grew silent, "Oi, Ichigo, you-" He stopped when the boy suddenly leapt over the counter and snatched what he'd been staring at off the wall.

Ichigo was staring at the photograph in his hands with something akin to horror in his eyes. It wasn't like he didn't know what happened last night, but, this, well…

_Oh God, just kill us now,_ came his Hollow's disembodied voice from his head.

"Hey, what's that you got there?" Ikkaku asked leaning over the bar and reaching out for it. "Is it something good? A hot girl? Something from yesterday? You remember anything?"

"You really… do _not_ want to see this."

"Oh give it here you dumbass," he snapped, snatching the picture from him.

xxxxx

Ichigo hissed as he slammed the empty shot glass back on the table. "What did you say that was called again?" He asked the man behind the bar, shaking his head to try and clear it. It didn't work.

"Bohemian-style absinth," the man answered calmly, his voice smooth and slow, cultured. "It is strong, yes? It contains few herbs and much wormwood." He glanced down the bar at the group of shinigami and humans scrunching their noses at the bitter taste. He watched the red-headed girl teeter unsteadily. "It has the highest alcohol content of the absinthe we serve here." He gave them all a long look. "Would you all like another shot?"

The group was silence, as they tried to think about what would probably happen if they drank more of that stuff. And then Renji uttered the one sentence that would ruin their nights (and, for some of them, their lives). "Dudes, let's get shit-faced and see what happens!"

"I don't-"

"Don't be such a fucking _girl_, man," Ikkaku said, before slamming a fist on the counter. "Another round!"

The man sighed, glanced down the length of their troupe, and said, "Something sweeter for the ladies, first, I think." Rummaging around under the counter, he pulled out a bottle and handed it to Matsumoto, who tried to take the bottle and still keep herself situated between Orihime and Shuuhei. "This is absenta. A sweet absinthe, for such sweet ladies."

"Uh- _hello_?" Ikkaku called impatiently.

The barkeep rolled his eyes, but Ikkaku was too drunk already to notice, so he rummaged around again, and started setting up glasses in front of them and placing intricately designed slotted-spoons across the top.

"What, precisely, are you doing?" Ishida asked, as the man filled the glass halfway full with some sort of green liquid and then placed a sugar cube on top of the spoon.

"This is Verte absinthe," he said, beginning to pour cold water into the glasses, letting it run over the sugar cube and through the spoon. "It is called The Green Fairy," he said sliding the glasses forward with a truly demonic smile. "Enjoy, don't drink too much, it makes people do strange things."

-

It didn't take Ichigo very long to realize that making any type of potentially life-changing situation with absinthe as your starting point… was probably not the best idea. Of course, he was too drunk to _realize_ that he knew this, so when he stumbled over and fell into Ikkaku, draping himself over the man, he slurred, "What the hell am I doing with my life man?"

"Who the fuck- Hey!" Ikkaku staggered sideways when Ichigo was suddenly yanked away from him. "What the hell?"

"Come on Ich… i… go…" Renji slurred, so drunk he was slurring his pauses, "I wanna go dance!" He said, dragging the fumbling substitute shinigami to the dance floor after him.

Ikkaku shrugged and turned back to the person he was talking to, picking up his conversation where-

"… you know that's a plant, right?"

Ikkaku paused, mouth still open, before blinking at the outline in front of him. "Huh. So it is." He turned, shocked the girly Quincy was still standing after all they'd drank. "Where's Yumichika- oh, there he is," He answered himself when his friend morphed out of thin air and launched himself at the bespectacled boy, sending them crashing to the floor.

Ikkaku walked (well, he stumbled and held on to a lot of furniture and practically _dragged_) himself to a booth, and collapsed into it. This… was a hell of a lot more fun than he'd had in a long time.

Orihime was still drinking away, and the Third seat was shocked at her tolerance. Shuuhei was next to her, staring at her, but sending appraising glances back at Matsumoto every few seconds, which was understandable, since the woman had sprawled herself provocatively across the nearest pool table and her full-body looked like one big promise lying there. Hitsugaya was in some back booth and Ikkaku couldn't really see who he was with, but he could swear he heard the frosty Captain giggling. Ishida and Yumichika were still tangled on the floor, though the Quincy was putting up quite the effort to get away, screaming hysterically all the while. Chad was a silent shadow alongside the bar, and the small, small, small part of his brain still functioning, realized that he could at least drag the rest of them home when they passed out. And Ichigo and Renji were trying to drunkenly dance, but it was turning out to be more of a fight than any form of dance.

Even as he watched, the drunken pair of shinigami tripped over each other, or, more like, Renji tripped over _himself_ and into Ichigo. The redhead giggled (yes, like a fucking girl) and grabbed on to his friend. And everyone in the vicinity took a moment to stare silently (and strangely) at Renji, who now had Ichigo in a headlock and could be heard saying loudly, "I love you, you little fucker." At least he was a happy drunk.

The next thing everyone saw was Renji go flying heels over head when Ichigo socked him one in the jaw. Snockered or not, Kurosaki Ichigo could punch like a motherfucker. He'd fit right in at the Eleventh Division, Ikkaku mused, fearless, self-assured, and tough as fucking nails.

And that was the last thing he remembered for a while, since Ishida, managing to somehow free himself from the deathly clutches of his stalker, had slammed down several _jars_ of that crazy absinthe shit, calmly told Ikkaku he was planning on drinking himself into a stupor and asked if he wanted to join in. And of course, Ikkaku told him no…… Not.

-

Ichigo used to hate drinking. Alcohol tasted awful, it made you act stupid, it made you sick, gave you fucking hangovers in the morning. But now, he decided he'd had a change of heart. In fact, drinking makes the world go 'round.

At the moment he was trying to convince Chad that, yes, he could out-drink the taller man in a shots contest and, dude, could they _please_ get some Tequila out here, when someone crashed into him from behind.

"Oi, oi, oi, oi," he slurred, turning around with assistance from a barstool, "What the hell do you think you're doin, man?" He blinked, bleary-eyed at the person, until their blurry form came into focus. "Ikkaku? Whadda doin?"

"Gettin more booze," he answered. "Move out the way."

Ichigo gave his head a hard shake. "Who died and made you boss, you fucking dick? I'm sittin here, there's a whole bar." He gestured wildly, knocking Shuuhei in the head with his drunk, erratic movements.

"Hey!" The lieutenant said, forcibly tearing his eyes away from Matsumoto. "What the fuck, dude?!"

"Don't yell at him, Hisagi!" Ikkaku slurred, trying to take a swing at him, but missing, and having to grab half onto Ichigo, half onto the bar for support. "And move over, I'm gonna sit here!"

"You don't own this place, Madarame! You can't tell me what to do!"

"_Everything_ here belongs to me!" Ikkaku yelled, standing unsteadily and gesturing eccentrically. "Even him!"

Ichigo tuned back into to their drunken argument when the bald shinigami pointed at him. "Excuse me?"

"Shut up, bitch."

Brown eyes widened. "Alright, that's it." He glanced around, his eyes falling on Chad. "Here," he said, shoving his almost-empty glass of whiskey at his friend. "Hold my drink, bitch." And then he threw himself at the man, punches flying.

-

Luckily for everyone, _The Green Fairy_ didn't only _look_ like a proper bar from District 76, it also was well-aware that, fights break out a lot in that neck of the woods, and as such, as long as no one died, and you kept the non-fighting patrons out of it, they didn't really care if you fought with each other.

"Hey now boys," Matsumoto purred, slinking in between them, "hey now. Is this really any way to treat each other? Come on," she said, pulling them towards each other. "You guys should kiss and make up."

The two stared at her. "Pass" they chimed in unison.

"Awww… You're no fun."

"Attention, attention!" Luckily, they were saved from Matsumoto trying to force them into anymore unwanted contact when the patron of the bar, or _patroness_, as it were, stood up on the bar, leaning against one of the poles at the end. "It's time for our monthly contest!"

Cheers all around the bar.

"Contest?" Orihime echoed, clinking _another_ empty glass down on the bar in front of her and teetering in her seat.

"That's correct, little lady!" The woman, decked out in what Ichigo would have called 'clubbing clothes' had they been in the human world, her long ebony hair pinned away from a ruggedly beautiful face, which was, at this moment grinning brightly at Inoue. "Our monthly contest! Every month _The Green Fairy_ hosts a talent show. And who ever wins gets a fantastic prize!"

"Ooohhh!" Matsumoto squealed, grabbing onto Shuuhei in excitement. "That sounds like fun!"

Ikkaku scoffed, scooting away from Matsumoto glomping Shuuhei and closer to Ichigo and Chad. "What a stupid fucking charade."

"And this month's prize-"

"No prize could possibly be worth-"

"Is a year-long supply of sake!"

"……" His mind screeched to a halt. Year-long… supply… of… sake…? "Well, what the fuck do you have to do to win _that_?!"

"Excellent question, good sir!" The lady called out, swirling once around the pole and marching across the bar to stand in front of him. Ikkaku looked up at her, then looked down, because he really didn't care what kind of underwear she was wearing. "You have to come up onto the bar," she tapped one heeled foot against the dragon etched on the bar-top, "and," she spread out her arms, "_entertain_." She grinned. "Whoever the crowd likes the most, wins! It's the famous Bamboo Dragon competition of _The Green Fairy_!"

"… This is bullshit," Ichigo said, turning and heading back to the booths. Or trying to. As he was swiftly snagged by Yumichika, who was walking _towards_ the bar.

"Oh, no you don't! Let's go win that sake!"

Ichigo groaned.

-

Twenty minutes later, he was successfully slinking away from the bar, to Yumichika's soulful rendition of "How doth the shining crocodile, improve his shining tail, and pour that waters of the Nile on every golden scale."

Ichigo sighed, sliding into a booth, his friends we so messed up.

"Hey, handsome," a melodic voiced purred.

Ichigo looked up at the woman.

She let a slow smile pull across her face. "Hey, how _you_ doin?"

Saw the young woman standing there and looked her up and down. She was pretty, gorgeous, actually, with catty features like Yoruichi and a mass of red-gold hair that made her look sleep-rumpled and sexy. And her golden dress, strapless and ending above the knee, looked painted on her body. And what a body it was.

"Can I help you?"

Sitting on the edge of the table, she stretched her long legs out in front of her, crossing one high-heeled shoe over the other. "I was just wondering why a good-looking thing like you is doing back here all along," she said, her sultry looks at odd with the sincere look in her green eyes.

Ichigo shrugged, watching as she flagged a waiter over and taking a handful of shot glasses from him.

"Here, sweetie," she said sliding some towards him, "I think you need some more of these."

He shrugged again, and tossed a few back with her, feeling the blossoming warmth of the alcohol spread through him. He smiled brightly at the woman now, feeling better, and wondering why he was just sitting here. He should be doing something fun!

She was smiling, sliding off the table, taking a hold of his hand and pulling him with her. "Come on, hot stuff, dance with me."

-

Twenty minutes later, Ikkaku, after having just watched Matsumoto's horrifyingly bad attempt at singing… something, he came to the conclusion that none of them were going to win that goddamn sake and slumped onto the nearest barstool. As he took a look around the room, his eyes fell on the dance floor off to the side… and he felt his jaw literally drop.

Ichigo was drunk. That much was clear. Not falling-down-hold-onto-furniture-to-walk drunk, but everything-suddenly-seems-like-a-good-idea drunk. That was the only way to explain why he was dancing so… erotically… with some woman.

And clearly Ikkaku was drunk, too. Because instead of following the kickass curves Ichigo's partner was sporting, the endless pair of legs her dress was showcasing, or the sexy pout to her lips, he was staring… at Ichigo.

The boy moved with more liquid grace than any man should be allowed to possess. Sure, a lot of shinigami were graceful, but only in battle. Shunsui wasn't graceful, neither was Renji, or Zaraki-taicho. But that was different. Fighting was more a memorization of movements, that you did unconsciously. What Ichigo was doing… was… was…

Ikkaku felt a heat curl low in his stomach as he watched the two dance front-to-back, Ichigo trailing fingers lightly up the woman's side as he grinded against her. His hands softly followed her neck, tilting her head backwards to rest against his shoulders. Ikkaku felt his mouth go dry as he watched Ichigo kissed up the curve of her neck, hands fisting lightly in her hair.

"Damn."

"He's freakin sexy, isn't he?"

"Yeah, he's freakin- Wait, what?" Ikkaku spun on the barstool to stare behind him at Shuuhei. "You're weird."

"And you're sexy." Ichigo's warm tones seemed to come out of nowhere, and the boy draped himself over Ikkaku from behind, giggling into his ear. "I am _sooooo_ drunk!"

Shuuhei laughed raucously. "No shit, Sherlock."

"Hey Ichigo!" Yumichika appeared out of nowhere, prying the boy off his friend. "You should do that for the talent show!"

"Huh?"

"Dance!" Silence. "On the bar." More silence. "For the sake?"

"For the sake!" This time, it was Matsumoto who suddenly showed up. "But… you can't get up there in _that_," she said, and she and Yumichika looked him up and down. "Come on!"

"Wait!" He yelped when they each grabbed an arm and startled pulled. "_Waaaiiiittt_!"

Ikkaku watched with little interest as they dragged him off to speak with the patroness of the bar, before turning back to his bottle of sake.

Ichigo, meanwhile was being forcibly wrestled into an outfit that belong to the bartender. And he was not happy about it.

"Yumichika, stop! I'm not wearing those fucking clothes! Hey! Give me back my damn pants! Rangiku-san! _Heeey_!"

When the trio of them stumbled out of the back room, they tumbled into some of the rest of their group. When Renji, Ishida, and Orihime turned to see who had crashed into them, they were speechless for at least a minute.

Clearly, a drunken Ichigo was easy to dress, and undress of course, because there was no way a sober Ichigo would have allowed someone to put him in… that.

The dark, dark blue jeans he was wearing shouldn't really constitute as pants. They were skin-tight all the way to the knee and were covered in so many whole wit was a wonder how they even stayed on. And, though they'd given him a simple white dress shirt, they rolled up the sleeves to his elbows and removed all the buttons, leaving it open. Apparently, to the shinigami, human world clothing was a bit of a novelty, which explained why there was some just lying around.

"Ichigo, uhhh…" Renji blinked. "What the fuck are you wearing?"

"It's not my fault." He glared at the two who'd dressed him and pointed a finger at them. "They made me do it!"

"Oh Kurosaki-kun, you look amazing!"

His glare hardened.

And Yumichika frowned when he saw Ishida scowl at Ichigo because of the look Orihime was sending him. He slid into Ishida's line of sight and started pushing the boy backwards. "Come on. To the bar."

"But- Hey, stop, I don't want-"

And then his voice trailed off and the rest of them were left staring at one another.

"This is repulsive."

"Come on, Ichigo," Matsumoto said, "it could be worse."

"How?" Ichigo mourned. What on Earth could be worse than this?

"Urahara-san could be here," Yumichika said.

"Yeah," Renji chimed. "Or your father."

Ichigo paused. "I feel better now."

"Well, then, this'll make you feel great then," Yumichika said, showing up with Ishida and a tray full of liquor. "Here," he chimed, shoving a pair of glasses at Ichigo, filled with a familiar bright green liquid. "And there's more with this came from!"

Downing the two glasses in quick succession, he grimaced at the bitter taste and took the next one from Yumichika. "Didn't the guy say not to drink too many of these?" He asked, even as he drank the one in his hand and took another. "Why am I drinking all of these anyway?"

"Because," Yumichika answered, grinning evilly as he watched Ichigo start to chug down the last glass. "We're getting you drunk enough to dance."

Ichigo choked on his drink.

-

"I – kakk – ku – " Yumichika sing-songed as he skipped over to his friend, brooding over the fact that he thought Ichigo was attractive.

"What?"

"Do you know what today is?"

He looked up. "October?"

"No, silly," he said, and tapped his friend on the nose. "The correct answer is… Your lucky day!"

"Huh?"

It was at that moment that Shuuhei walked up between them, gaping at the bar with his mouth open.

Ikkaku turned to see what the lieutenant was gawking at, and his eyes got wide, too. "God almighty," he breathed, staring at the bar.

More importantly, staring at a drunken Ichigo, dressed in some outfit that no one should be allowed to wear outside the cover if a romance novel, climbing on top of the bar, swaying unsteadily as he stood.

"Okay, okay," he mumbled. "My friends wan' me ta dance, kay, for the sake!" He teetered sideways, holding onto a pole to keep himself from tumbling over the edge. "So… I'm drunk, here we go!"

Ikkaku felt his blood go hot and cold at once as he watched Ichigo, so graceful and wild, free from all restraints in his drunkenness. The music began to play a blood-pumping beat and Ichigo found his rhythm in the music as easily as he found his ground in a fight. The Third Seat groped blindly on the table for something (anything) with alcohol in it, and started gulping it down as fast as he could swallow.

"Easy there, Ikkaku," Yumichika urged his friend. "You don't want to drink yourself into some new sexual lifestyle." The effeminate man watched his friend's eyes drink in the way Ichigo ran his hands along his own chest. "… or maybe, you do."

"… Shut-up," he said, but his eyes never left Ichigo, running long fingers through his own short hair, pulling softly on the orange strands, then tracing his face, his lips, and Ikkaku's drunken mind wondered what it would feel like if he could follow that same path with his own fingers, his lips, his teeth and tongue. He moaned softly when Ichigo's hands trailed along the hem of his pants.

He was snapped out of his stupor when the room was suddenly filled with cheers and Ikkaku realized that basically everyone in the bar was cheering Ichigo on. The boy didn't seem to mind, he even wore a sultry smile, that made him undeniably attractive, more so than he already was.

He forced himself not to stare, no matter how much his eyes seemed to be drawn to Ichigo's flat stomach, the defined chest and abdominal muscles, the light shadow of hair underneath his bellybutton, trailing down under the hem of his jeans -

Not staring.

If he thought nothing else could make him question his suddenly questionable straightness, he was mistaken, because when Ichigo tripped, caught himself on the nearest pole, the one luckily (or not so luckily) dead in front of Ikkaku, the boy just decided to hang on to it and twirled around it gracefully. When the boy crouched down, knees spread apart around the pole, Ikkaku felt every ounce of blood in his body flow south.

"Hey, handsome!" Ikkaku turned at the voice yelling so close to him, and saw the lady Ichigo had been dancing with before trying to be heard over the crowd. "Need a dance partner?"

Ikkaku frowned. "He doesn't need you, ya dumb broad."

Ichigo frowned as he did another look around the pole. Ikkaku's words held an edge than confused him. Was Ikkaku getting… jealous? Surely not. On his next twirl around, he grabbed a hold of Ikkaku's sleeve and trying to tug him upwards. Ikkaku would have willingly gone, except, one, he didn't really want to be on the bar Ichigo (_Lies_, his conscious coughed) and two, he was so turned on from the boy's drunken pole dance he was practically frozen to his barstool.

But the bar-goers were screaming "Dance! Dance! Dance!" and he _really_ didn't want Ichigo dancing with that slutty whore, so he allowed himself to be pulled onto the bar.

But he was still hesitant about it. Firstly, because he wasn't gay. (Denial, thy name is…). Secondly, because he couldn't dance, even as drunk as he was. And thirdly, once again, he was so turned on right now that he really didn't want to get that close to the boy. But before he could shake his head and back away, Ichigo tugged him close, still grinning, eyes half-lidded in drunkenness.

Ikkaku held back a moan. _Oh god, he feels so good pressed up against me… _He could feel the heat of Ichigo's bare chest through his shihakasho and those half-lidded eyes in front of him (looking so sexy and close and _sexy_) were not helping the not-so-little problem he had throbbing in his hakama

Their friends were leering up at the pair, and the rustle of their bets is muted between robes. They'll win the sake. They'll lose the sake. They'll kiss. But the pair wasn't paying attention.

"Dance with me?" Ichigo asked, in a slow, deep, male voice.

Ikkaku felt his eyes flutter shut, only to fly wide open again when Ichigo shoved a thigh between his legs and ground against him. His head tipped backwards at the sensation, and he moaned, loud enough that he was sure the entire bar could hear, when Ichigo's hot breath fanned against the expanse of flesh the movement exposed.

"You're not trying very hard," the boy said.

The feel of those words, hot and wet against his neck, made Ikkaku thrust instinctively forward towards him, holding back a groan. _The fuck I'm not very hard,_ he thought.

Hands gripped tightly in the shirt Ichigo wore, before slipping beneath the loose fabric, and trailing them up the smooth expanse of his back, causing Ichigo to hum appreciatively. Ignoring when someone made a catcall and hoping they died sometime in the near future, Ikkaku slipped the shirt from Ichigo's shoulders.

Head coming back up, he found himself face-to-face with Ichigo's hot-eyed stare. For a long moment, they were still, staring at one another. And then-

"Well, well, well! I think we have our winners!" The patroness called out suddenly, climbing onto the bar with the pair of them.

Ikkaku jerked, startled, suddenly realizing the position he was in. He tried to pull away, to back up, but he was drunk, his movements slow and sluggish, and he really didn't want to leave Ichigo's hot embrace. But on the outer edge of his drunkenness, embarrassment was attempting to rear it's annoying head, so he took a step back.

But before he could escape, Ichigo pulled him close and kissed him. And there was nothing gentle about it – it was a possession, an affirmation of right, and it left him both shaken _and_ stirred.

The cheers that went up at this were deafening, and it was a full minute before they pulled apart, both panting heavily. And when they broke apart, Ikkaku found himself momentarily following the heat of Ichigo's kiss, the passion of his lips and teeth and tongue.

"… Well now," the patroness said after the cheers at died down to a dull roar. "How about that sake?"

xxxxx

12:30 PM

The pair in the picture was unmistakably Ichigo and Ikkaku. Ichigo's orange locks were as well-known as Ikkaku's shiny head. And they were glued at the face. Ikkaku's hands as twisted in Ichigo's hair as he could get then. One of Ichigo's hands was fisted in Ikkaku's hakama, pulling the man close by his hips, the other was on the wall behind Ikkaku's head, from where they stood in what looked like the entrance to the bar.

"I took that I you were leaving." The group pivoted, at the woman's voice, the patroness that they now remembered from the night before. "You all left before you could collect your earnings, though," she added, and gestured behind her.

They glanced behind her and gaped. If ever a room full of shinigami has ever looked like a pack of scavengers, coming across a buffet of dead animals, it was then. Because behind her, were boxes and boxes of sake. And it was all for them.

"Wow."

"I just need someone's address, so I can send it over. And more, when you run out. You brought us quite a lot of business yesterday."

"Hm? Oh, yeah," Ichigo mumbled, scratching down his address on the paper she handed him. "Hey, do you, uh, know where we went from here?"

"Oh yes," she answered dismissively. "I gave you directions to the restaurant three blocks to the east."

"Well," Hitsugaya sighed, shoulders slumping. "Let's go there then shall we? And on the way over the two of you can have the nervous breakdowns you're holding back."

________________________________________________________________________

**A/N:** Okay, sorry for the crazy-mad wait. Lots of stuffs has happened. Like college and this stupid Critical Thinking Test I have to take and don't WANT to take. Ugh. Also, working a lot now since I'm trying to save up for this EF-Tour to Japan for next summer, so yeah. And, okay, so it's not a lot. It's mostly just school, I guess. But, it's stressful on my end so, my bad guys, but, school's got priority, unfortunately.

1. Yeah, I meant to name that bar _Bamboo Dragon_ (did I already say that was the name of the bar before, if so, tell me, so I can go back and change it). But I totally forgot about it when I decided to make them all drink absinthe. So, improvising!

2. I have also not read or worked on this story in so long, that I have forgotten how I'm making people address each other. I'll go back and read the first chapters and change them if they're different in this chapter. And… I've forgotten if Rukia is with them. Ah, well, who cares?

3. From what I understand, absinthe isn't really a hallucinogenic, like it's prone to be advertised in things like _Moulin Rouge_ or _Eurotrip_. Apparently, in the 1970s, some paper reported that one of the ingredients in absinthe was the same chemical in cannabis. And someone said that it's a hallucinogenic because of something to do with the fermentation process. Most of the people who claimed to see things and have hallucinations were bohemians. Today, scientists say that it _doesn't_ cause hallucinations, but in the 19th century, some poisonous chemicals may have been added to some cheap version of the drink to make the color brighter. There are several types, as mentioned, ideally, I suppose any of them would have caused hallucinations if poison chemicals were added. But, for the sake of the story, we're making the pop-culture version of absinthe (the green version) this bars trademark. It's not any more difficult to make, actually, there's an extra step involved to color it, but well, it's what most people think of when they think of absinthe. So I'm pretending that one's _The Green _Fairy. Deal with it. So, well, yeah, there you go. Everything I learned about absinthe. Because I wanted to go to Amsterdam when I turned 21 and get me some, but what's the freakin point if you don't hallucinate? Geez.

4. Did I spell that shinigami uniform word right? Shihakasho. It looks wrong.

5. The drunken-pole dance thing is a joke, because a friend of mine, _honest to God_ pole dances better drunk than she does sober. Swear. Probably has something to do with inhibitions or something. Or the alcohol.

Last Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. _Cheers_ is the bar from an old TV show, and if you've even remotely heard of it, you'll get it.  
_The TV show is called "Cheers." Duh.  
__(Found by Ruby Tuesday-chan, Rionarch, Lulu the fallen Angel)  
_2. A line from _A Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy_ (the movie)  
_It's Nanao's "Buttons aren't toys!" line  
_3. A few lines from Dane Cook's _Vicious Circle  
__The whole "You've had a lot of beers" line, all the way to "Because you're too fucking drunk to find the house, you've had like five hundred beers"  
__(Found by Rionarch)  
_4. A line from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show  
__Of course it's, "I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania  
__(Found by Ruby Tuesday-chan, Affie And Rysh, Rionarch)  
_5. A little conversation taken from an episode from the first season of _Friends_ between Rachel and her sister  
_Inoue and Matsumoto's conversation about Inoue's outfit. The "It's kind of slutty" / "Yeah, well, I'm a slut" one  
__(Found by Rionarch)  
_6. Why it amuses me that two girls kissed in a bar named _Sappho's Lyre_ (not really pop culture, it's more mythology/Greek history)  
_Sappho was a woman poet way-way-back-when and was supposedly as lesbian. She lived on the island of Lesbos, which is where was get the term "lesbian" from  
__(Found by Lulu the fallen Angel)  
_7. Reference to a Katy Perry song  
"_I kissed a girl and I liked it."  
__(Found by Ruby Tuesday-chan, Rionarch, Lulu the fallen Angel)  
_(Shout out to Rionarch, who found the hell out of my references!)

This Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. Ikkaku and Ichigo's back-and-forth "Everything in this place belongs to me. Even him." / "Excuse me?" / "Shut up, bitch." is from something, but I do not know what. So if someone knows what, I'd love to know.  
2. A _Chappelle Show_ reference, specifically, one relating to the Rick James skits.  
3. An few lines from _Alice In Wonderland_.  
4. A well-known line from _Friends_, though I made a girl say it, instead of a guy, like who says it in the show.  
5. There's a subtle reference to the title of a Bowling For Soup CD.  
6. Another one you can help me with. Anyone know what the "You don't want to drink yourself into a new sexual lifestyle. Or maybe you do" lines come from?


	8. In Which Nothing Of Interest Happens

**Title:** Bamboo Dragon  
**Genre:** Romance / Humor  
**Rating:** M (eventually)  
**Pairing:** Ichigo x Ikkaku (yes, in that order) (guess I should mention the others: Ishida x Yumichika, Shuuhei x Matsumoto, one-sided Ishida x Orihime, Izuru x Orihime, Byakuya x Renji, Shunsui x Nanao, Ukitake x Rukia, that's it for now) (tell me if there's something you'd like to see, that DOESN'T involve those people)  
**Spoilers:** None, at the moment  
**Summary:** After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.  
**Word Count:** 5,248  
**Warnings:** Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.  
**Disclaimer:** The summary is from _Dude, Where's My Car?_ Which, clearly, is not mine. _Bleach_ is also… not mine. ::Cries::

**A/N:** Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! ::cries::  
**A/N II: **Also, lemon-ness of the non-yaoi variety. Oh, what the hey!

Full explanation for long, long, (really long) wait on my profile, if anyone cares.

**Flashbacks between the xxxx's.**

* * *

"… I can't believe we did that."

"Well it got did, and you'll have to square with that someday," Hitsugaya deadpanned.

"Not if I can help it," Ichigo muttered, fiddling with the bracelet that he still had wrapped around his wrist. A glance at Ikkaku showed that the bald shinigami was messing with the matching one on his own wrist. The woman at _The Green Fairy_ had said they were given them yesterday for winning the competition, a way for the staff to recognize them as the ones to give the sake to. At least they'd kept them on long enough to claim their prize. Though why the two of them were _still_ wearing them was anyone's guess.

"Well anyway," Matsumoto chimed, "let's get on to the restaurant, shall we?"

"How do we know we made it to the restaurant anyway?" Ichigo complained, as the group followed Matsumoto, who was merrily skipping ahead of them. "We were pretty tore up."

Hitsugaya snorted from behind the teen. "The way you lot are about food? I feel confident in saying we made it to the restaurant."

"But still…"

"Here it is boys!" Matsumoto sing-song-ed, stopping so suddenly that Ichigo crashed into her back, inhaling a mouth full of her corn-rowed hair. He was still fighting to remove himself from the braids when Renji's bland voice cut through the air.

"… This is where we ate?"

xxxxx

_Ye Old Restaurant_ was a quaint place, no easy accomplishment this far out in Rukongai. The inebriated lot of them spent some time out in front of the place, forcing Ichigo back into his uniform (that luckily Orihime had brought with her), since the sign next to the door read: _No shirt. No shoes. No service_. And Ichigo was both shirtless and shoeless.

After making sure the entire lot of them was properly attired, they drunkenly stumbled into the diner-styled restaurant.

There was a young woman standing near the door, filing her nails, who glanced up when a tinkling bell signaled their entrance. "Hey," she called over her shoulder, "it's some Men in Black!"

"Coming!" A few short moments later, an older man come from the back, holding a handful of menus and smiling broadly. The grin fell from his face when he spotted Shuuhei in the crowd. "Get out."

Renji, who Shuuhei was using as a support beam, asked, "You know this guy?"

He made a dismissive gesture. "I come here sometimes. It's expensive though."

"Is that why you eat Omaeda-fukutaicho's leftovers?"

The ninth-division lieutenant shrugged.

"Get out!" The man screamed again, menus scattering on the floor around him like autumn leaves. "You sit here for hours and you never order anything!"

"Hey, that's not true!" Shuuhei said, affronted, and shoving against Renji to stand on his own. "Just last week I ordered a tea."

"You couldn't pay!"

A blink. "Oh, yeah."

"You can bill it to the Tenth Division."

The man turned to stare at the speaker and it seemed to take a moment for him to realize who he was looking at. "Hitsugaya-taicho! O-of course!" And he scurried away, presumably to start a tab. "Just please," he called back to them as he was leaving, "don't move the tab –"

"Hey! Let's move these tables together!" Matsumoto cried, already shifting the aforementioned pieces of furniture.

Finally, after much table and chair shifting and musical-chair-age between the shinigami and friends, everyone was finally situated. Yumichika was pleased to be seated next to Ishida, who was ignoring the eleventh division member in lieu of Inoue on his other side. Though she was mourning the loss of Izuru and was in a slump no matter how much Shuuhei, on _her_ other side, tired to talk her out of it. He eventually gave up when Matsumoto dragged him into a conversation with her. It was a conversation that Hitsugaya was having a hard time ignoring considering his close proximity to the strawberry-blonde. Ikkaku, seated next to Hitsugaya, was passing drunken, not-as-subtle-as-he-thought-they-were glances at Ichigo, who was trying to talk to a completely plastered Renji, who was slumped onto Chad's shoulder, who was ignoring the twittering Yumichika next to _him_.

"So do you all know what you want?"

The group looked up, none of them having even so much as glanced at a menu, at their waitress. Young, possibly pretty, under the coating of makeup caked onto her face, chewing like a cow on a piece of gum.

There was silence for a good moment.

"I'm hungry," Inoue said suddenly.

"I'm thirsty," Ikkaku added.

"… I could hump a tree." Shuuhei (and everyone else) turned incredulous stares to Matsumoto. She blinked. "What?"

The waitress rolled her eyes. "Hey, twenty seconds here, yo." No one looked away from Matsumoto. "Oi! Fucking pay attention!" The lot of them started and faced her. "Good. Now… What. Do. You. Want?"

As they started calling out orders, she was busy scratching them down onto her notepad. "Sukiyaki, okay. Miso soup, okay. Ice cream, okay." And this went on and on.

"I want some takiyaki."

"And then?"

"Sake," Ikkaku said, after a moment of silence in which everyone tried to think of something else they wanted.

"And then?"

"Ummm… Nope, that's it."

"And then?"

"N-no, that's it. We're done. You can go make our food now."

"And _then_?"

"No 'and then'!"

"And then?"

"No 'and then'!"

"And the-"

"Stop harassing the customers!"

The girl's mouth closed so abruptly you could hear her teeth clack together. She turned, standing straight as she faced a stern-faced man wearing a chef's hat. "Yes, sir." He turned and left after a long, probing look at her and she relaxed. She slanted them a glance over one shoulder, shrugging. "Sorry, must obey the taco man." And then she walked off to the kitchens.

There was a moment of silence. "Well…" Ishida said slowly. "That was strange."

And then the table erupted in conversation.

"Soooo…." Matsumoto purred to Ikkaku, who was across from her, watching Ichigo twirl his finger around the rim of his water glass, seemingly mesmerized by the movement. "Do we get an encore?"

"Huh?"

She gave him a swift kick under the table that grabbed his attention. She tilted her head in Ichigo's direction. The bald shinigami glanced from him, then back to Matsumoto who, along with Shuuhei, was staring at him in interest.

"Yeah, Madarame, I never knew you played for the other team," Shuuhei snickered.

"Love is blind!" Yumichika shouted suddenly from his end. "And lovers cannot see!"

Hitsugaya snorted. "It's not _that_ blind."

"Anyway," Matsumoto continued, "_do_ we get an encore?" The smirked. "Your first performance was enough to get me all hot under the collar."

"Then maybe you should take it off," Shuuhei murmured to her smoothly, eyes darkening.

"Please, not before we eat, Hisagi," Hitsugaya droned.

"_Taicho_!"

The petite captain frowned at his lieutenant, but made no further comments, choosing instead, to zone out the conversation entirely.

"Well, I, uhhh… I mean, Ichigo he was and then I was and somehow it seemed, but really –"

"He's a really good kisser."

The four currently part of the conversation turned in unison to stare at Ichigo. The boy had forgone trying to converse with Renji, who was clearly no longer coherent, and he propped his chin up on his hand and was watching them. "What?" He asked, at the look on their faces. Shuuhei's shocked, Matsumoto's leering, and Ikkaku's a mix between embarrassed and lustful. Almond eyes paused at the last face, arching a brow. "What?" He repeated. "It's true."

Ikkaku gave a nearly imperceptible shake of his head and cleared his throat lowly before he leaned forward, pressing into Ichigo. "Would you like another taste, strawberry?"

Ichigo's face went red, whether from anger at the nickname, embarrassment at their sudden proximity, or the alcohol still coursing pleasantly through his system, neither of the two were sure. But Ikkaku knew that the rose-tinted cheeks in front of him were both very cute and very arousing, and couldn't resist leaning forward and kissing one, just to see what Ichigo would do.

Both Matsumoto and Yumichika squealed excitedly at the display, but Ikkaku wasn't listening, because he had barely pulled back, hoping to get another glimpse of Ichigo's face, when the substitute shinigami shoved their faces together hard enough that their teeth clacked together.

Ichigo's hand fisted in the material of Ikkaku's shihakushou, pulling him closer. Ikkaku's nose was pressed against the side of Ichigo's face awkwardly, but he didn't really care, not when there was a tongue in his mouth doing such wonderful, wonderful things.

The moment was ruined when the chef deemed the moment appropriate to shout out across the bar. "Oi! Ding fries are done!"

The two pulled away slowly and Ikkaku felt a trail of saliva drip down the side of his mouth. He was panting heavily and Ichigo was swaying towards him, staring at his lips like he was thinking about kissing him again. Before Ikkaku could make up his mind for him, their food was set roughly down in front of them by their oh-so-pleasant waitress.

Ikkaku glared at her, before grabbing some of the food and shoving it into his mouth.

"How's it taste cue-ball?" She sneered at him.

"Tastes like hate," he answered back disdainfully. "Did you make it?"

"As if." She glanced around at the others. "Ya'll alright?"

Murmurs of agreement echoed back.

Beside Renji, who had awakened at the smell of food and more sake, Ichigo was staring cross-eyed down at the spoon in his mouth. "There is something wrong with this yogurt," he commented absently, as he pulled the spoon out of his mouth and stuck it back in the jar for another scoop.

The waitress blinked at him. "Those are the table condiments." A blank stare. "It's mayonnaise."

The spoon paused halfway to his mouth. "… Oh."

When he was still and silent for a long moment, she asked hesitantly. "Do you… _want_ some yogurt?"

He contemplated, then shrugged and shoved the spoon into his mouth. "No."

The waitress and everyone else made disgusted faces at him, but left him to it. If he wanted to eat eight thousand calories of straight mayonnaise, well, it was his waistline. And really, at least he was _using_ a utensil. The others seemed to have devolved into monkeys. Renji was shoveling takiyaki into his mouth so fast he wasn't even chewing. Inoue just kept dumping things onto her plate, until it was impossible to tell what she's originally ordered. Ishida and Yumichika were almost sparring with their chopsticks as they cooked and ate their shared order of sukiyaki at their end of the table. So involved were they, they never noticed Chad methodically eating his way through their food. Matsumoto was practically deep-throating her yakitori skewers, casting pointed looks at Shuuhei the entire while. Hisagi was watching her eat with a very dazed look on his face. He was busy staring at her that he kept missing him mouth and was steadily spilling miso soup down his chin. Hitsugaya, still ignoring them, was slowly eating his way through an entire quart of ice cream, of all things.

The waitress shook her head at them, turning at a loud commotion from behind them. "Miss," she called out, leaving their table, "is there a problem?"

The sudden shout made several of the shinigami choke on their food. "Why was there _bacon in the snow_?!"

"… Yachiru-fukutaicho?" Yumichika mumbled as he, and everyone else pivoted in their seats and followed their waitress's progress to another table. Where, lo and behold, was seated the eleventh division captain, the table in front of him liberally scattered with empty sake jugs, and a fuming Yachiru who was only just visible behind the mound of ice cream in front of her. And was that… yes, yes it was, there was _bacon_ on top of the sundae. No wonder Yachiru looked like her head was going to explode.

Even the waitress seemed stumped. "Holy shit on a fucking sandwich." Shaking her head to clear away her confusion, she said, "I'm very sorry, miss, I don't know how this could have happened. Of course, our cook is a complete moron," the last part was muttered. "I'll get you another one right away," she continued you, reaching out to pick up the bowl. She stared at it for one more moment before nodding once at the cotton-candy haired lieutenant. "I'll be back."

The group of drunken shinigami was still gaping at the pair five minutes later when the waitress returned. And they remained staring at she _inhaled_ the frozen dessert. They only snapped out of their stupor when the waitress spun in their direction and snapped, "Are you _finished_?"

And they were, thank God. Ikkaku had the feeling if he had to go around with that waitress again someone wasn't walking away. And he'd bet all the sake in Seireitei that person wouldn't be him.

"Yeah," he said, standing with everyone else, the lot of them wavering as they fought to regain their drunken balance. "Bitch," he hissed softly as they walked by. He protest was drowned out by his exuberant greeting to his captain, who was exasperatedly watching Yachiru demand more ice cream, brandishing a spoon like a specter.

"So long!" Matsumoto chimed as they walked out the door. "And thanks for all the fish!"

xxxxx

12:50 PM

". . . . . ."

"Do you think we're allowed back in that restaurant?"

Hitsugaya arched a brow at his lieutenant. "Why would you want to go?"

She shrugged. "The food wasn't bad." She sighed. "But, more importantly: where did we go from here?"

"I know!" Yumichika shouted gleefully from over Hitsugaya's shoulder, causing him to jerk in surprise. "I know!" He cried again, jumping up and down like a child. He stopped when an elbow suddenly collided with his midsection. "I . . . know . . ." he wheezed.

"Well? Are you going to tell us?" Ikkaku groused.

For a moment, Yumichika just coughed and gasped his way around the pain in his middle, before managing to pant out, "Went to . . . pharmacy . . . remember?"

". . . . . . ."

"Not really."

"Did we do that?"

"I don't recall that."

"I remember that!" Of course, Matsumoto would remember going to somewhere they sold makeup. "_Tomorrow's Tiger Pharmacy_!"

". . . Matsumoto that's in the other direction!"

She blinked. "So?"

Her captain heaved a long-suffering sigh, rubbed at the tension he could feel forming behind his eyes, and gestured to her sarcastically. "Lead the way then."

-

It should have been a simple trip to the pharmacy, but, as it is so often in their lives, this was not to be. It seemed they couldn't travel from Point A to Point B without encountering some trashed, debauched and coyote ugly-ed version of some person or pair from the night before.

This time it was the Eighth Division captain and lieutenant, lying sprawled across a park bench underneath Shunsui's vibrant kimono, pedestrians giving them a wide berth as they walked by, as if afraid to wake the pair. Which was stupid really. Their footsteps and conversations weren't going to wake them, since Shunsui was snoring like a gutted wild boar and the two were still sleeping away.

". . . Should we wake them?"

"Do you think Nanao-chan will be mad if we do?"

"Don't you think she'll be madder if we leave her here where people can see her like this?"

"Good point."

". . . Are you gonna wake her up?"

"I thought _you_ were gonna do it!"

"Hey, guys," Ichigo interjected. "Not to interrupt or anything, but she's waking up."

xxxxx

Nanao was not particularly drunk. Nor was she particularly sober. It was this state of mild-inebriation that probably led to her current situation. Which was, wandering down the street with her captain, as the pair of them alternated between tugging the other's clothes off of them? At present, she had her hands shoved underneath his shihakasho, trying to push it off his shoulders. Her nails scrapped down his arms and suddenly she found herself hefted up and pressed against the neared wall, her more-than-slightly-drunk captain rubbing against her.

Her head tipped back as she moaned, apparently drunk enough to not care that, no matter how late it was, they were still, technically, in public. It might have bothered her for a moment, but Shunsui was sliding her kimono up her legs, trailing calloused fingers up her thighs, and laving wet, panting breaths against her ear, so she pushed everything else from the back of her mind.

"Tai . . . cho . . ." she panted, helping him lift her kimono all the way off and wrapping her legs tighter around her waist. "Taicho, _please_ . . ."

His breathing was ragged and he moved against her insistently, seeking his own release. Nanao leaned forward, nipping against his neck, trying to bring his attention more towards her. She slid her hand down between their bodies and stroked him through his hakama and he suddenly gave a husky cry, his arms tightening, as he shivered against her. "Oh, Nanao-chan," he whispered, his eyes closed tight with his release. He panted against her for a moment, before letting her slide off the wall and down onto the bench beside them that they hadn't noticed until then. He stared at her, dazed and lethargic, for a moment. "I love you," he said seriously.

"And I've grown fond of you," she answered back, moving emphatically against him, trying to not-so-subtly remind him that _one of them_ had yet to completely enjoy themselves. "Taicho? . . . Taicho!" She stilled her movements, staring at him in complete and utter shock.

That bastard had fallen asleep!

xxxxx

Needless to say, Nanao was not in the cheeriest of moods when she woke up to find her comrades in a semi-circle around her as she sat up and clutched Shunsui's pink kimono around her like a sheet. She glanced at them, then glanced down at her captain, whom she had somehow wound up sleeping on top of. She took one look at him before she whipped out a hand and slapped him once across the cheek.

Shunsui, not one to be startled out of his sleep by something as insignificant as a _bitch slap_, mumbled something about it being too early (even though it was past the crack of noon), blinked, wet his lips, and focused blearily on the fuming woman on top of him.

"Nanao-chan?" His eyes widened and he struggled to sit up, only to pause when he realized that what was draped over his chest as a blanket was a woman's kimono. "Uh-oh, have I been cross-dressing in my sleep again?" He asked, holding it away from him.

"That's mine, you idiot!"

He blinked at his lieutenant. "Yours . . . ?" His eyes brightened in remembrance and he turned to look at the _very confused_ group of shinigami watching them. "We had sex!" He announced happily.

Nanao made a face as she turned to face the others as well. "We had what taicho calls sex."

Not deterred, Shunsui turned back to her. "Was it good for you?"

"I don't think it was good for anyone," she muttered.

Shunsui made an off-handed gesture. "Oh shut up, spoilsport."

Everyone took an immediate step backwards as Nanao's eyes widened impossibly large, before she reached up calmly (too calmly) to slid her glasses off. "Taicho . . ." she said slowly, before slamming her elbow into his face and watching him fall back onto the bench. She stood elegantly, wrapping her captain's pink kimono around her like a large bath towel.

The group of shinigami hurried forward. "Shunsui-taicho, are you alright?"

He mumbled around his broken nose.

Ikkaku whistled lowly. "Damn, taicho, where'd you get the balls to do that?"

Shunsui peered at them from behind his fingers. "I'm still a little drunk," he said regretfully, before falling into unconsciousness.

"Don't worry, he's fine," Nanao said. "Probably. I don't care." And with that, she stalked off towards Seireitei.

". . . . . . ."

"I believe the word we're looking for is . . . _anyways_ . . ."

-

There was nothing special about the pharmacy.

This was, in retrospect a Very Good Thing. It meant that none of them had caused a scene there yesterday. That there were no drunken brawls involving any of them and (hopefully) no impromptu make out sessions in the toiletries aisle.

The cashier looked up when they all entered, a kindly older woman who greeted Matsumoto by name.

"I heard you came in last night, Rangiku-san."

xxxxx

1:15 PM

The doors chimed pleasantly as the group staggered into the pharmacy at all hours of the night (or morning, whichever). The person manning the cash register was a young women with far too many colors in her hair and several unnecessary piercings on her face. She barely even looked up when they all but fell in the door.

"Alright, come on Abarai," Yumichika was insisting, dragging the redhead by his sleeve to the hair products aisle. "I want to do something with your hair!"

"Must you?"

"Yes! We're living in a material world and I'm a material girl . . . or boy."

Renji just shook his head and followed.

Their time in the store was probably the most uneventful portion of their entire night. The only sound in the store this late was the sound of the disaffected cashier messing with the microphone ("Dear valued customers," the intercom was broadcasting, "you are _losers_.")

Checkout was doubly uneventful. The young women rang them up apathetically ("Crikey, is it time to close this bitch yet?"), charged everything to the tenth division, yawned, and went back to painting her nails. And the group staggered _back_ outside.

Which is where they decided to turn the bench out front into a beauty salon

Matsumoto and Yumichika immediately got into a heated argument about the best way to dye Renji's hair and only Ikkaku's interference stopped it from becoming a violent catfight in the street.

"Hey, shut it gossip girls," he snapped. "It was Yumichika's idea, so just do whatever the fuck you want to Abarai's hair."

Yumichika brightened and stuck his tongue out childishly at Matsumoto, before turning to Renji, who was beginning to think that maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.

Thirty minutes later Yumichika, who had demanded an immediate need to clean himself off of the hair dye not staining his hands, turned and went back into the pharmacy, while Ishida and Inoue proceeded to put Matsumoto's hair into a hundred tiny braids.

Ichigo was just starting to slid surreptitiously over to Ikkaku when to doors opened and Yumichika danced out, feathers braided into his hair and silver glitter sparkling around his eyes. "Ta-da forever!" He shouted gleefully.

". . . You have truly out gay-ed yourself this time," Ikkaku muttered but it was drowned out by Matsumoto's high-pitched demand for the glitter.

Five seconds later, her kimono had been slid even farther down her shoulders (how it managed to stay up was anyone's guess) and she had sprinkled glitter over her chest and collarbone. It twinkled provocatively every time she turned into the light.

"I am now sufficiently glamorous," she announced.

She turned when someone cleared their throat. "You look good," Shuuhei said, and he swallowed thickly. His eyes were hot.

She beamed at him, before ruining the would-be tender moment by saying, "Please tell your pants it's rude to point." She giggled as his face immediately turned a bright red.

Renji heaved a sigh, red hair loose and wild around his shoulders now, black streaks standing out prominently. He was the only sane person here. Yumichika was trying to attract Ishida's attention, possibly by blinding him with glitter, while the Quincy was attempting to fix some wayward strand of Matsumoto's hair. And Ichigo and Ikkaku were still tossing oh-my-God-I-kissed-him-and-I-maybe-sorta-wanna-do-it-again, come-hither looks at one another.

"Can we go? I'd like to wash the gay off me."

Everyone paused.

"That's rich, coming from you, Abarai," Ikkaku said, crossing his arms.

Renji blinked. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Abarai-kun," Matsumoto purred, "That everyone knows you have the hots for your captain."

"_What_? I absolutely do not!"

Ichigo scoffed. "Come off, Renji. _I_ could see that the first time I met you. You so want a piece of Byakuya's ass!"

Renji was starting to look a little queasy. "Can we . . . _not_ . . . talk about taicho's ass? Please?"

"Whatever floats your boat, man."

xxxxx

"I forgot about that conversation," Matsumoto mused, before glancing impishly at a surprisingly embarrassed looking Renji. "Still gonna deny it?"

". . . I know where we went from there."

"That's not an answer!" Matsumoto cried, as Renji started walking off.

"It was over this way, remember?"

"_Abarai-kun_!"

xxxxx

Apparently, their new and improved looks demanded shopping. So that everyone else could see how _stunningly beautiful_ they looked (Matsumoto and Yumichika's words). So off to the shopping center they went.

Unfortunately for, well, everyone, _Tomorrow's Tiger Pharmacy_, was so far in the other direction from where they were before, that it was actually _in_ Seireitei. This meant that the nearest shopping center was actually the one in the Eleventh Division. Why there was a _shopping center_ in the _Eleventh Division_, of all places, was anyone's guess. Probably someone's idea of a joke. The punch line being that the first store they walked into was filled with fragile, delicate, _completely breakable_ things. Yes, someone was indeed laughing about this. And not the shop owner, if the man's twitching nervous disposition was anything to go by.

"Ooohhh! Shiny!" Matsumoto squealed, making a beeline for some glass figurines, Yumichika and Inoue hot on her heels. Ishida and Shuuhei trailed after them, as Hitsugaya, Renji, and Chad all but collapsed by the door. Ichigo and Ikkaku meandered slowly farther and farther towards the back of the store, where they were sure they could find a dark, secluded corner and, _ahem_, talk.

No sooner had they found said dark, secluded corner, then lips were smashed roughly together, teeth clacking, hands scrambling, someone clearing their throat in irritation.

Wait. What?

Lips parted, heads turned, and two sets of startled eyes looked down, down to meet the violet-eyed stare of Kuchiki Rukia.

"Can we help you?"

The petite woman glared at Ikkaku before turning her frosty stare to Ichigo. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Ummm . . . shopping?" He asked hopefully, too drunk to think disentangling from Ikkaku might be a Good Idea.

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" She scoffed. "I can smell the liquor on your breath."

"That's cuz I've been drinking, bitch."

Rukia puffed up like an angry cat, lashing out with one leg to kick Ichigo in the shin. She glared at him as he cursed and sputtered, letting go of Ikkaku to reach down and grab the injury.

"Oi!" Ikkaku snapped, standing up straight to stare down at the girl. "Listen closely, tiny dancer, the next time you touch him, I'll break you. He can do what he wants." He paused. "What the fuck are you doing here anyway?"

The glare faded from her face abruptly, and her eyes slid to the side. "I, uhhh, came to see a man about a dog."

". . . What?"

"_Kuchiki-san!_"

All three of them jerked in surprise at the high-pitched sing-song, and turned to stare incredulously as Ukitake twirled into their little corner. He was smiling, well, grinning goofily, but whatever.

"Taicho?"

He beamed at her.

Rukia sighed. "I guess you got it then?"

He started to nod, but froze as he caught sight of the other two. "Boys! How _are_ you?!"

"Uhhh . . ."

"Ukitake-taicho!" The store owner appeared just as suddenly as Jyushiro, wringing his hands together nervously. "I m-must insist you p-pay up f-f-front."

Rukia arched a brow at the man, eyes shifting fretfully back-and-forth, as if expecting a fight to break out at any moment (with where his store was located, it was really no wonder). "Did taicho not request that the cost be billed to the Thirteenth Division?"

"Yes, b-but –"

"Then what's the problem? Don't you trust us?"

"I – well, th-that is to say –"

"Taicho?"

"Yes?"

"Permission to lay down the law, sir."

"Granted."

Ichigo and Ikkaku managed to slink away just as Rukia dealt the man a truly demonic grin. They slunk away to the sounds of his screams. Just as they were about to find another dark, secluded corner there was a crash from where the two girls and tagalongs had congregated and the pair decided to go see what the hell was going on.

They turned around the corner into the next aisle and were met with the store's assistant manager staring in horrified shock at the shattered remains of some sort of crystal statue. The four most probably responsible were on the other side of the wreckage watching his panic attack unfold.

"You have to pay for that!"

"Name your price, sir," Ishida said politely, skidding his glasses up his nose.

"Nine hundred thousand yen!"

There was a pause, before Matsumoto leaned forward over the Quincy and chirped, "Name a lower price!"

"W – What?" And then all he did was give an aggravated scream when Yumichika threw glitter in his face and the four of them turned and ran.

". . . Think we should follow them?"

Ichigo sighed. "Yeah, prob'ly."

The pair trotted after the carnage the four were leaving in the escape-wake, pulling the three camped out by the door along with them. They ran along for a little while, weaving unsteadily, since running and being drunk don't really mix very well. It was amazing none of them had needed to stop and empty the contents of their stomachs yet.

"Madarame-san?"

Throwing on the breaks, Ikkaku (and everyone else) stopped.

"Zaraki-taicho is looking for you," MakiMaki said hesitantly, glancing around the mish-moshed group they were.

"Uh-huh."

"Aren't – aren't you going to go find him?" He asked, when Ikkaku didn't move.

"You know what?!" He shouted suddenly. "I never liked you. You don't fit in this division."

MakiMaki blinked. "I, uhhh . . ."

"I have to get something off my chest, too!" Yumichika piped up.

"Please tell me it's not your shirt," MakiMaki muttered, watching the fifth seat sway treacherously since standing still was oh so hard.

"Hey!" Ikkaku shouted in his friend's defense. "Why don't you just go pee your pants?!"

"That was like a hundred years ago!"

"People don't forget!"

MakiMaki huffed in annoyance and stomped away, muttering to himself. Ikkaku watched him go in satisfaction. He had just turned to ask where they should go now when a smooth voice cut across the courtyard.

"Abarai-san, so you are causing this commotion."

Renji paled. "_Taicho_."

xxxxx

"I don't remember meeting Kuchiki-taicho," Matsumoto murmured.

"He must not have stayed very long." Ichigo shrugged. "Whadda think, Renji? . . . Renji?" He turned to see why his friend was so silent.

Renji had back up several steps, wide-eyed and ashen faced. "You, were _not_ supposed to remember he was here."

Hitsugaya frowned. "Why? What happened, Abarai?"

Silence.

"It can't be that bad, Renji." Ichigo blinked. "Can it?"

Renji sighed. "You have _no_ idea."

* * *

**A/N:** Ummm… is anyone still alive out there? ::crickets:: Yeah, that's what I thought.

1. I'm imagining them pushing two normal restaurant-style tables together. So that's one person at each end, and four down each side. Yumichika at one end (then Ishida, Inoue, Shuuhei, and Matsumoto up that side). Hitsugaya at the other end (then Ikkaku, Ichigo, Renji, and Chad). Just in chase you needed a mental picture when imagining their conversation. I do.

2. I'm unsure of the spelling on _takiyaki_. That's how I've always spelled it, but Wikipedia spells it _takoyaki._ Does anyone know the correct way. I'll continue to spell it with an 'i' unless someone is sure the 'o' is the correct spelling. Also, for those who don't know: takiyaki is a fried dumpling with a piece of octopus inside. It's a popular street snack.

3. As for the other things they're eating… Sukiyaki is thinly sliced pieces of beef and vegetables which is cooked at the table by the people and dipped into a bowl of raw egg before being eaten. Yakitori is barbequed chicken skewers. Miso soup is soup made with miso (which is a flavoring) dissolved in dashi (which is a simple stock for certain soups - like a broth), with several ingredients in it, like tofu or vegetables. If I'm wrong about any of this, let me know!

4. Tomorrow's Tiger Pharmacy is a real place. Well, in Bleach-verse anyway. Lol.

5. Ten thousand US dollars is approximately 912,667 Yen

6. Also, thanks to everyone who reviewed! I'm sorry I didn't reply personally! Real Life's a bitch! So shout outs to:  
_Lakis  
__Rionarch  
__Mina Rain  
__Unbidden-Angel  
__Greensl33ves  
__ConstantSnow  
__ElfishScallywag  
__Shinsei Tonbo  
__xxSnowxxAngelxx  
__judikickshiney_ [Sorry the new chapter you were waiting for is so late in coming, hope you're still interested!]  
_Shebvixen (_Who I love like fire for telling me where one of my Pop Culture references came from when I didn't know!)  
_Kira-Kaminari-san_

Last Chapter's Pop Culture References:

1. Ikkaku and Ichigo's back-and-forth "Everything in this place belongs to me. Even him." / "Excuse me?" / "Shut up, bitch." is from something, but I do not know what. So if someone knows what, I'd love to know.  
2. A _Chappelle Show_ reference, specifically, one relating to the Rick James skits.  
_It's the , "Hold my drink, bitch" line.  
_3. An few lines from _Alice In Wonderland_.  
_It's Matsumoto's poem, "How doth the shining crocodile improve his shining tail, and pour the water of the Nile on every golden scale." The Caterpillar says it.  
_4. A well-known line from _Friends_, though I made a girl say it, instead of a guy, like who says it in the show.  
_Joey's classic pickup line, "How you, doin?"  
__(Found by Mina Rain and xxSnowxxAngelxx [she also found a few from other chapter, so kudos to those as well!])  
_5. There's a subtle reference to the title of a Bowling For Soup CD.  
'_Drunk Enough To Dance'  
_6. Another one you can help me with. Anyone know what the "You don't want to drink yourself into a new sexual lifestyle. Or maybe you do" lines come from?  
(_THANK YOU Shebvixen who has informed me it's from comedian Jonah Ray_)

This Chapter's Pop Culture References:  
1. Reference to a Will Smith movie.  
2. The spoken lines from "You sit here for hours and never order anything!" all the way (give or take a few line) to "Hey! Let's move these tables together!" is from something.  
3. Gee, and wonder what the "And _then_?" - "No 'and then'!" is from.  
4. A line from _Invader Zim  
_5. A line from _Family Guy  
_6. Another line from _Invader Zim  
_7. A line from _Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series  
_8. A line from _Terminator_.  
9. A line from _A Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy  
_10. The Shunsui - Nanao interactions have a few _Family Guy_ quotes that I doubt anyone will catch.  
11. Another line from _Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series_. (I don't really except anyone to find it, it's just that it's not mine, so I put it here.)  
12. A reference to a Madonna song.  
13. A couple of lines from _Hancock_, which were funny, and if you catch, you're awesome. I love that movie.  
14. A couple of lines from _Juno_.


End file.
